


Growing Pains

by TearfulSolace



Series: Growing Pains [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Bittersweet, Blood, Caleb is re-evaluating his memory of a dead man, Caleb was a charmer, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Combat, Drabbles as flashbacks, EPS48/49 DON'T EXIST BCUS I FINISHED BEFORE THEM, Family, Flashbacks, Gift Giving, Guilt, Humperdook, I REFUSE TO REWRITE ALL THE FLASHBACK, Idk its a lot of memories, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda, Memories, Mighty Nien, Nightmare, Ritual Magic, Road Trip, Self-Hatred, Self-murder (it makes sense i promise), Spoilers for ep like 38 to 47?, Suspicious Beau is Suspicious, Time Travel, altering time, caduceus uses that wis20, caleb loves his family, descriptions of the nien from caleb's pov, haha plot twist!, kindof, lots of blood, meeting nott, mild panic attack, referenced child death, self-harm for magic, so many Molly Memories, spoilers for Caleb's Backstory, spoilers for ep 26, syphilis bandits - Freeform, technically, you probably saw this coming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-01 13:51:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17245409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TearfulSolace/pseuds/TearfulSolace
Summary: It's 3 years in the future for our favorite CritRole party. The Mighty Nien are on a mission for the Gentleman when something catches Caleb's eye. With this new item Caleb thinks he can work a powerful spell, but first he's taking a trip down memory lane, reliving some of his fondest (and not so fond) memories.





	1. This Could Change Everything

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gayshitiguess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayshitiguess/gifts).



> Hey there. This is my first fan fiction in over 10 years so be gentle please. 
> 
> A few things of note, as mentioned in the summery this is about 3 years in the future from our current timeline in the show, all characters are lvl 13. (I actually purchased class and race options on dndbeyond and leveled them up by hand, picking spells and what not as I think they would.) Btw, high level wizards are INSANELY powerful. 
> 
> I currently have 4 chapters written, working on number 5 and there will be a few after that to wrap up the story. My best friend Syd who is not on A3O is my beta and she's awesome, and not afraid to tell me something sounds bad. My husband, who is not necessarily into the fandom has also sat and listened to me reading this by him and toiling over plot points for about a month now. Gifting this fist chapter to gayshitiguess, who writes amazing fics and has walked me through a few of my rough spots with this story, please check them out, you wont regret it.
> 
> Can't wait to see how you all react. Please please PLEASE tell me what you think in comments! Enjoy.

Things were going better than expected. Caleb and Beau were able to get invitations to the party masquerading as a married couple with minimal effort and they had succeeded in keeping the head honcho busy and out of his office long enough for Nott to sneak in and get the information they needed for the Gentleman. This con was the accumulation of weeks of planning, of assimilating into local politics, and weeks of hell for both Caleb and Beau being forced to live and present as a married couple. But it was finally going to pay off.

At the moment, the three of them were hastening through a long room, off limits to guests, as a means of escape from the party. "Warte auf, halt...." Caleb slowed to a stop in front of a glass display case. Beau turned back to watch him. "What now Caleb? We've got to go man." Beau was shifting from foot to foot waiting for guards to rush in any moment. Their good luck was bound to run out eventually.

"What's going on in there?" Came Fjords voice to all three of their minds. A little spell Caleb picked up before this mission to help them stay in touch. "I don't know Fjord. Caleb’s gone all ogly over a piece of dirty old junk in here." She replies before tugging on Caleb’s coat sleeve, much nicer and cleaner then his usual travel coat. "Caleb, what is it?"

Instead of replying Caleb turns to Nott, "If I open a portal in the case, could you mage hand that ring out to me?" 

Nott, who had been silently watching Caleb during this transaction replies "Sure. But it's not very shiny. I've got shinier ones at home if you want a ring Caleb."

"Nein." Caleb starts summoning an arcane gate. "Thank you Liebling, but this one is perfect for what I need." As he finished speaking a small portal opens on the ground between him and Nott, a matching one inside the glass container. Caleb freezes and glances around, listening for any kind of alarm to be sounded from the use of magic on the container, but this city was not accustomed to magic users, and the city government didn’t care enough about historical junk to protect it. “Okay Nott, go ahead.” Nott casts mage hand and goes through the first portal into the case to grab the ring. “Come on come on....” Beau anxiously checks the doors. She’d feel much better when she was out of this dress and back in her robes.

“Voilà!” Nott holds up the ring triumphantly. Caleb grins as he takes it from her, putting it on one of his fingers and ruffling her hair as he dismisses the gates. “Wunderbar Nott. Thank you.” He glances around like he's coming back from a dream, “Beau, what are you waiting for? Lets go!” And he tugs Nott along continuing their escape. Beau huffs but starts moving behind them. “We’re on our way Fjord, be ready with the distraction.”

As they reach the main door to the museum and start descending the stairs Beau thinks they might actually be in the clear. “Hey, you! Stop right there!” Beau accelerates, shoving Caleb in front of her to make him go faster. “Any time man....” She says into the link to Fjord. She can hear the guards footsteps on the stairs behind her when suddenly a loud “BOOM” is heard from the back courtyard shaking the ground making her loose her footing momentarily barely having time to catch herself as she hears the guard get knocked on his ass sputtering, “w-wha-”

The party of three reach the bottom of the steps and round a corner where Caleb casts Seeming to make them all appear dressed like the caterers for the party and head further down the sidewalk where they nearly run head on with Jester actually dressed in a server uniform coming out of an ally from behind the museum. Beau has just enough strength to stop from getting knocked over. “Ung! Hey Jes. Slow down before you barrel over someone. Geez...” She set Jester standing up right and sees Fjord in his uniform and can't help but grin, trying to suppress a laugh. “Why Fjord, you look so dapper.”

They start off across the street, putting distance between them and the museum before heading towards the inn where Yasha and Caduceus were waiting. “Doesn't he?!” Jester trills linking arms with Fjord and begins crooning over how handsome he looks. She notices Fjord turning a darker green before turning her attention back to Caleb. He’s flexing and unflexing his hand admiring his new ring. The look on his face is unreadable, but that could also be the spell he cast masking his expressions. She could never be sure with him. “Where on our way back; so far so good,” she sends to Yasha and Cad, not taking her eyes off Caleb.

“Hey Caleb.” He doesn't look up. He’s entranced by the ring so she shoulder checks him, not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to cause him to stumble. “Exandria to weirdo. What is that thing? Why was it so important to get?”

“Oh, uh. It isn't necessarily important. It just looks familiar...” He stops to consider the item. “I believe I have read about this ring. If it is what I think, I could use it for a very powerful spell in the future. Something good... Very gut.....” Caleb trails off and stares at his hand again. 

“Okay... Good talk.” She turns to check on Fjord and Jester and see Jester still trying to flirt at a flustered Fjord so she turns to Nott. “Hey Nott. Get anything cool when you were in that guys office?” Nott grins and starts listing off all the new shinnies she took as they walk to the inn.

 

***

 

It took them a few days to get back to Zadash. The trip was unremarkable in every way. The only exception was Caleb being extra weird and standoffish. Except, that was pretty normal so to think of it, yeah, unremarkable. They were quick to deliver the information Nott had snagged and receive their pay. But as soon as they stepped out of the Evening Nip Caleb held Beau back telling the rest to continue on ahead. “Uh Beauregard. I have a favor to ask.” He was back to not making eye contact even after pretending to be married for nearly 3 weeks.

“Spit it out man. And it better not be some weird couple shit. That was all fake, you know that right?” She eyes him suspiciously.

Finally Caleb makes eye contact in a glare. “Yes Beauregard," his voice hard with exasperation. "I know it was fake. You prefer the company of women. And I...” He trails off breaking eye contact to look over her shoulder before shaking his head and looking at the top of her top knot in true Caleb fashion. “It is not a weird thing. I just need to get into the library again. Will you please escort me?”

Beau adjusts her stance leaning on her staff. "Uh... Sure. But I thought you said you've already read through all the important stuff. There wasn't anything left for you there."

"There isn't. Uh, wasn't. Eh its hard to explain. I need to reread something. I need to refresh my memory." Beau scoffs but starts walking towards the Cobalt reserve library.

"Well come on then Mr. Lionett." She mocks him.

"Please stop calling me that...." he grumbles as he follows her.

 

***

 

"No... no... no... Wo war es....." Caleb runs his fingers along shelf after shelf looking for something specific. He had said he remembered the section the book he was looking for was in, however once they got here his “impeccable memory” had failed him. She's followed him through nearly half this wing trailing behind him as he read every book spine. Beau turns away finding the girl behind the counter watching her. Beau winks at her and the girl blushes and looks away.

"Ah hah!" Caleb straightens up suddenly holding a small book.

"Shhhh." several monks turned in their direction with stern expressions.

"Ah sorry. Its a very good book..." Caleb stage whispers sheepishly before heading to one of the furthest unoccupied corners and opening the book skimming. Beau watches as Caleb's face goes from hopeful to pensive to ecstatic. "Beau..." He snaps the book closed and grabs her by her shoulders. "This is gut. Very gut." He kisses her cheek excitedly. Before letting her go and starts walking along the wall, glancing around and looking out each window.

"Ugh Caleb what the hell man?" Beau wipes her cheek where he kissed her and follows him.

"I am about to do something slightly illegal. Again…. Will you turn me in?" Caleb pauses by a window and turns to Beau expectantly.

Beau looks between Caleb's face and the book in his hands, then the window. She grins. "Why, Mr. Lionett, are you about to steal a book?" She glances around dropping her voice further. "The minute that book crosses the windowsill alarms are going to blare. What's the plan?"

"Just be my look out." He stuffs the book into his coat and then begins casting a spell. In front of him, just like at the museum, a portal appears. A second portal appears outside the library across the street near a tree. He looks back to Beau, "fingers crossed..." and steps through. 

Beau braces for alarms but nothing happens. She watches as Caleb emerges across the street and looks towards the library with a questioning look. Beau gives him a thumbs up and then turns her back to the window to keep watch. At first shes surprised that worked, but then she realized that every non Cobalt Soul visitor is supposed to be escorted by a monk, and the library isn’t expecting one of their own to allow a wizard to steal anything. Beau smiles to herself as she looks for snoopers. 

Outside, Caleb takes off his scarf and looks around before wrapping the book up and putting it in the crook of the tree. He takes one last hesitant look before stepping back through the portal and back into the library. "Lets go," he says before briskly walking towards the exit. "Thank you. Goodbye." He says to the attendant as he whisks past the front door. 

"Thanks," Beau winks at the attendant again as she leaves.

They make their way around the building and courtyard to the tree where Caleb hid the book and he reaches to take it down. He puts the book back into his coat and replaced the scarf around his neck as he starts walking. "Thank you Beauregard. This will be a very good thing if I am right."

Beau eyes him as they walk back to the inn, her eyes glues to the back of his head as if she can suddenly read his mind if she tried hard enough. 

When they walk into the Leaky Tap, Nott immediately rushes them. "Caleb, I got you some more ink! I know you ran out last week." She pulls a small inkwell from one of her many pockets and gives it to him. 

"Oh thank you liebling, you did not have to do that." He takes it from her and puts it away carefully. They follow Nott to the table where the rest are seated laughing at one of Jester's sketches of the head chef from the kitchen of thelast job. 

Beau plops down between Yasha and Fjord and grabs for some meat off Fjords plate. "Caleb had me locked up in that torture room all day. What did you all get up to?"

"I did not force you. You could have said no." Caleb takes a seat but glances to the stairs, and rubs the corner of the book through his coat.

As the others started talking about their day Beau kept watching Caleb fiddle with the book. "Hey Caleb." She interrupts Jester as she was talking about a new spell she had learned. "You look exhausted man. Why don't you head up early and get some shut eye?" Caleb looked like he was about to argue so she raised her eyebrow.

"Oh yes Caleb. You look very tired. As your primary doctor I suggest a good meal and more sleep. Right Caddy?" Jester looks to Caduceus sitting between her and Fjord. 

“Good food and good sleep can work wonders on a tired body and soul.” Cad answers, nodding to Jester then looking over Caleb’s fidgeting. “You feeling alright Mr. Caleb?”

"Oh, uh, yes I am just very tired as Beau said. That last assignment and then all that time at the library. I think I will just go rest my eyes. Good night everyone." He kisses Nott on the head as he stands and waves to the table before practically running upstairs.

"It's only just past midday. He must be very tired indeed," Caduceus says watching Caleb’s retreating figure before the conversation picks back up.

 

***

 

It's dinner the next night before they see Caleb again. When he comes down it is very obvious to anyone caring enough to look that he did not, in fact, "rest his eyes."

When Nott had tried to go to bed the night before, Caleb told her he wasn't feeling up to touch or company that night, and asked her if she could stay with the girls to give him some space. Though rare, Caleb sometimes needed a night away from others to regain some sanity, so Nott of course agreed. But only after forcing him to drink a tankard of water in true mom-friend fashion before she scampered away to the other room.

That morning when Fjord made wake-up calls, Caleb pretended to be sleeping in, which was not uncommon when he stayed up so late transcribing spells or reading so they let him be. But when they sent Nott to check on him at lunch and she only got mumbled responses as he scribbled notes at the desk, she noticed that the bed was not even touched. Again these things were not uncommon behavior for Caleb, but that did not mean they thought it was healthy. They decided to give him until morning to get this out of his system before they intervened with Caduceus' sleepy tea.

So seeing Caleb come down for dinner was clearly a relief. The bags under his eyes and the anxious look on his face however were not. "Caleb? Did you find a new spell?" Nott asks.

"Hmm? Oh. Uh yes. In a way. A theory more so." He begins picking at the plate Nott put in front of him absentmindedly, not actually eating much. His mind is clearly still in his books upstairs. 

"A theory? About magic? You're so smart Caleb. Isn't he?" Nott turns to the rest of the Nein, watching Caleb with varying expressions of concern.

Fjord clears his throat. "Of course he is." He pushes a tankard of water over the table towards them. "Is this a theory we can help with? You know we love to help with those experiments of yours."

"Oh yes!" Jester adds excitedly. "The last time when you had me and Caddy cast Inflict wounds and Cure wounds at the same time was so fun! Who knew our magic would react that way. I would love to do that ag--"

"Uh okay, maybe not that again." Fjord interjects nervously. "Please... Not that…"

Caleb looks from Nott’s concern, to Fjords overly eager offer to help, to Caduceus watching him like a hawk. "Listen, I appreciate this. Thank you. I do not mean to worry you. I have found a very interesting book, but I am finished with it now." He makes the effort to meet all of their gazes, except Yasha who is looking down at the table. "Truly, thank you. And uh, I actually am quite tired. I think I will go lie down and get some actual sleep." He stands, grabbing a chunk of bread from his barely touched food and heads back upstairs. They all watch him go before they turn back to their table.

"So..... Anyone else think he's acting like, suuuper weird?" asks Jester as she doodles a sleep walking zombie Caleb in her journal.

Beau coughs out a laugh. "You mean weirder then his normal weird?"

"You heard him," Nott starts, "he was working on a theory. And now he's finished it. I'm sure he's going to go up there and get a good night's sleep."

"I'm sure he will now that he's drank my tea." They turn towards Caduceus as he speaks. "I slipped it into that water he was drinking. He should be asleep in no time."

"It's probably nothing." Fjord adds. "He was like this before the museum job too, working on that telepathic mind thing. Whatever he's doing, I'm sure it's for the betterment of himself, which in turn betters us as a unit, okay? We just have to be here to make sure he doesn't burn himself out."  
Nott pops up from under the table between Fjord and Caduceus, pointing an angry finger at the latter, "you roofied my boy?!!"


	2. Memories of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb begins testing the artifact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations at the end!! Sorry there's so much German in here, but my beta and some friends who have read this all said it gave some authenticity to it so I kept it all in German. 
> 
> Ok so here's Ch 2. Ch1 has almost hit 100 views so I'm pretty happy with that. I can't wait to hear from you all about your thoughts. Please leave comments with questions, thoughts, or anything else you might have to say. 
> 
> First notation here really is I rolled for Caleb's constitution from Cad's tea and he got a nat 20, so our boy's got to much work to do for a little camomile to mess with him. I also homebrewed this item on dndbeyond and in the description, he actually does have to roll to see if it works so there are a few times coming in this story where the ring does not work as expected. ;)
> 
> Also wanting to reiterate that this is 3 years in the future, so I have taken some liberties with the interactions coming in future chapters.

Caleb goes up to his room and closes the door and leans against it for a moment, absentmindedly chewing on the bread from dinner. He can feel his head getting foggy and his eyes getting heavy but he still has work to do so he shakes it off. He only went down stairs because he wasn't sure what kind of effect the ring would have on his body, so he wanted to get something to eat before trying to use it. He takes a deep breath before pushing himself off and going over to the book still sitting on the desk. He reads over his notes one last time before settling onto the bed and takes a deep breath. "Here goes nothing...."

Caleb closes his eyes and focus' his energy into the ring. He sits for a few moments waiting for something to happen before he peeks one eye back open. He grimaces when he sees the dingy inn room before him and closes his eyes to try again. This time as he focuses his energy towards the ring he can feel his mind tugging towards it. He lets himself be pulled into the ring, thinking of his mother.

 

 

 

  
_He opens his eyes to a small room. Sparsely furnished but with tiny wooden toys on a desk, and a shelf with a few books. There's chamomile and sage bundled together hanging from the doorway. Caleb can feel his breath catch as he hears soft Zemnian words. He turns and there she is. Una Widogast, his mother is sitting near the small bed. Caleb is only about 6 years old and had fallen ill for weeks. Young Caleb sits in bed leaning against the wall, pale and weak as his mother spoons him a bit of soup._

  
"Mein kleiner Engel. Mama hat dich. Sie werden bald gesund und stark. Essen Sie Liebling. Wenn es Ihnen gut geht, können wir in die Stadt gehen und Ihnen ein neues Buch besorgen, okay?" _As Caleb slurps up the last of the soup she helps him lay back down and wipes him forehead with a cool cloth._ "Das ist es Honig. Rast. Sie werden bald besser." _Older Caleb watches as she stands and kisses his forehead before taking the empty bowl and begins leaving the room. He reaches out for her as she passes._ "Mutter..."

 

 

 

He blinks and he’s back in his room at the Leaky Tap. He can feel the corners of his eyes are damp with unshed tears and a sad smile on his face. "Mutter...." he looks at the ring and laughs. "It works. I can't believe it works...." He closes his eyes and starts to focus again, now thinking of his father. Once again he feels the pull, and although unsettling he lets his mind go with it.  
 

  
 

  
_When he opens his eyes he is standing just outside his childhood home, the sun not even having risen yet. An 8 year old Caleb clings to an armored figure on the porch. His mother in silent tears as she speaks to the figure._ "Sie haben Ihr Pergament und Ihre Tinte, um uns zu schreiben?"

  
_The figure chuckles, "_ Natürlich lieb. Und ich werde schreiben, so schnell ich kann." _Caleb steps closer so he can see the face of the man. It's the face of his father, Leofric Widogast dressed in his uniform, leaving for his first assignment. Caleb remembers this day in a fog, but now it’s so clear. His father kneels in front of him, taking the young Caleb by the shoulders. “Kümmern Sie sich um Ihre Mutter okay? Du wirst so stark und sie wirst deine Hilfe brauchen, solange ich weg bin."_

 _Young Caleb nods slowly._ “Ja Vater.” _Leofric smiles. “_ Das ist ein guter Mann Caleb. Ich liebe dich beide, und ich werde zu Hause sein, bevor du merkst, okay? Sei gut.” _His father pulls him into a hug before standing and kissing Una. He takes a few steps backward down the path waving before turning and taking the main road into town where his unit was gathering. Older Caleb watches him go before turning back to watch himself and his mother._

“Er wird uns schreiben. Und er wird sehr bald zu Hause sein. Du hast keinen Sohn.” _Una was comforting a very sad Caleb who had buried his face in her skirts, but what young Caleb never noticed at the time were the tears coming down her face. Caleb stood in front of his mother, his adult form coming to be a few inches taller then her, studying her face, admiring how strong she was to comfort her son when she herself was breaking apart._ “Oh mutter...”  
 

 

 

   
He blinked again and he was once again back in his room at the Leaky Tap. He took a few steadying breaths. He had expected this to hurt. To have to face them again. But he wasn't expecting his heart to feel this way. To be stretching with love and other emotions he hasn’t quite felt for many years. If he was being honest with himself he didn't believe he deserved these last moments with his parents. He should just do what he knew he was going to do and get it over with. Like pulling a bolt from a wound before healing. But he was selfish. He wanted to remember one last time, and he wanted to say goodbye to them. He knew he wouldn’t get a chance when he worked the final spell.

He also wanted to take time to say goodbye to his friends here with him in the now. He decided that with this ring, he can do what he needed to at any moment. He owed the Mighty Nein at least a goodbye, even if they didn’t know that’s what it was. He gave himself a stiff nod. They were due to speak with the Gentleman again in the morning. He would accompany them on one last job. Spend some time with them. Say his goodbyes. He knew in the end it wouldn’t matter, but once again he was being selfish with this. He was no longer hesitant to admit it; he cared for the band of misfits. It was hard not to when you spent nearly 3 years with the same people, sharing in their victories and defeats, their happiness and sadness. Watching then grow into the people they are now.

He shook his head to clear the thoughts away before they consumed him. He could probably get a few more memories in before Nott came up to sleep. He closed his eyes and focused again. He sat silently for a long moment before realizing it hadn’t worked. “Come on...” He took a deep breath and tried to calm his mind again. This time he felt the tug, and allowed himself to fall freely with it once again thinking of his parents.  
 

 

 

   
_He remembered this memory very vividly. It was the true moment his life took a turn. He was 12 years old. Even if this memory wasn’t crystal clear, he could tell by the way his voice cracked as he excitedly called his parents to the yard._ “Beeilen Sie sich, ich möchte Ihnen etwas zeigen.” _Young Caleb was practically dragging his mother by the hand out the door. His father followed behind smiling fondly at his family._ “Ja, Sohn, wir sind hier. Was wollen Sie uns zeigen?”

 _The sun had begun to set, dusk setting in with oranges and pinks being thrown across the sky like paint. He had planned to wait for dark, but he had been practicing and the excitement had gotten to much to wait any longer._ “Ok ok ok. Schau,” _and he watched as little Caleb formed his hands in a way to cast Dancing Lights, the very first spell he learned. Four globes of light went up from the palm of his hand._ “You’re a fool….” _Older Caleb whispered, but he had a fond smile as he remembered this moment. He stepped around to stand behind his younger self so he could see his family’s smiles again._

_He watched as his mother’s face lit up in wonder. She watched the lights dancing over their heads. One of the globes separated from the rest and hovered in front of his mother casting a soft light on her face. Caleb felt himself tear up as he watched the shadows and lights dance across her smile in such a way that seemed to make her glow. He never realized how beautiful his mother had been. He watches as she tentatively reaches out to touch it. Before she makes contact the globe goes back up to join the others, and little Caleb has them combine together to make a small fairy. He has the fairy dance around their heads a few seconds before the spell ends._

_Caleb’s father who had been watching in quiet fascination from behind Una rushed forward and grabs his son by the shoulders smiling brightly,_ “Wie ... wo hast du gelernt, das zu tun!?” _Una is staring at them still stunned but smiling in wonder._

  
_“_ Der Zaubermann, der letzte Woche durch die Stadt kam. Er hat mir gezeigt, wie man es macht, und ich habe geübt. Ich kann magischen Papa machen!”

 _His parents began to laugh joyously, Una now coming out of her shock._ “Das ist wunderbar lieb!” _His mother practically sings as she comes up and hugs him._ “Mit diesem Geschenksohn kann man so viel machen. Sie werden jeden Tag üben, und wir werden einen Weg finden, um mehr zu lernen, gut?” _She pulls back to look at him._ “Du... du willst mehr ja lernen?”

 _Caleb nods excitedly._ “Ich will die ganze Magie lernen! Ich kann gegen böse Jungs kämpfen und Mädchen retten, und ich kann coole tricks machen!”

 _Leofric laughs again,_ “Vielleicht rechtzeitig Sohn. All das und mehr.” _He is beaming at his son._ “Du wirst eines Tages ein sehr mächtiger Mann sein, und ich bin so stolz auf dich.” _His mother and father envelope him in a hug so warm and happy he can nearly feel it just from watching._  
   
 

 

 

When he blinks again the room is dark, the sun having set. He smiles sadly to himself as he casts Dancing lights. “I wish you had been right... I wish I had done good things for you..." He sits in silence for a moment, watching the lights dance. He begins to get ready for bed, taking off his coat and wrapping his book holster with it before putting it on the desk. He pulls off his boots and lays in bed, pulling the cheap scratchy blanket that he's become accustomed to (and basically meant home for him and his friends) up over his waist. He settled in and closed his eyes for one last memory before he let sleep take him. He let his mind wonder thinking of happy things from his childhood, not focusing on anything in particular.  
 

 

 

   
_When he opened his eyes he was confused. He stared at the dark forest for a moment. He frowned. "No... No this isn't right..." He looked around and was met by more darkness, more trees. The silence that came from isolation was broken by a scream. Caleb turned towards it and ran. He knew what the sound was before he found it. He crashed through the tree line to a small cabin in a clearing. There was loud crying coming from inside. Caleb stood in shock for a moment before the door slammed open and Trent Ikithon stormed out. Caleb was frozen, he waited for the monster to turn his head and see him, but of course he wouldn't, because this was a memory. He watched as Ikithon turned back towards the door that still stood open. "Next time I expect more progress." With that, Caleb watches as Ikithon begins casting and disappears with a soft flash of light as he teleports back to Rexxentrum._  
  
_Caleb swallows hard and turns his gaze to the cabin where the crying has calmed but can still be heard. He takes a step closer, one after the other his feet carrying him without being asked._ "It's okay Astrid. It'll only hurt for a little while. Just breath through it alright?" _Caleb can hear himself, accent still thick as he perfects his Common, trying to calm a hysterical Astrid. He's scared to get closer, scared to see her. But he steps through the door anyway and turns to the little dinning table they had where Astrid sits in tears with her wrist at an odd angle. "_ He wants me to learn more, but how can I learn if I can't cast Caleb? He's going to hurt me again..." _She was starting to work herself back up._  
  
"We can go through and find some verbal spells alright? Now I have to set this." _The younger Caleb turned to Eodwulf standing in the corner with a shocked expression on his face._ "Wulf go get some sturdy sticks from outside. We'll make a stint." _Wulf startles out of shock and starts moving out the door. Older Caleb moves out of Wulf's way in a daze, not taking his eyes off Astrid. Younger Caleb turns back to Astrid._ "Hey, remember that one summer we were playing in the woods near my house? And I fell out of the tree?"   
  
_Astrid huffs a laugh between tears._ "Yeah... You broke your wrist and was scared to tell your parents because we weren't supposed to be playing in the woods.... You hid it for two days before your mom reali--- AHHHHHHH!" _Her sentence was cut off as her friend pulled her wrist back into position. She began sobbing again as Wulf came back into the room with two sticks about half an inch thick. He handed them to Caleb before going to get the first aid supplies._ "Ruck...." _Astrid sniffled. The younger Caleb gave her his award winning, most charming smile,_ "You love me though."  
   
   
   
   
   
Caleb came out of the memory gasping like he hadn't been breathing. He set up suddenly grasping at his chest where he felt a dull ache. He stared into the dark trying to catch his breath before he caught movement in the corner of his eye and his gaze shoots towards it terrified of what he'd see as his hands start warming up with the fire that's never far from the surface. He sees Nott closing up her bag staring at him and he lets the heat dissipate. "Sorry Caleb. I didn't mean to wake you.... Were you having a nightmare?" She watches him as she finishes putting her things away under the second bed then stands in the middle of the room watching him with her ears down.

"Ja... a-a nightmare. But I am okay liebling. Are you alright?" She looked uncertain as she stood there in her sleep shirt, really one of his old shirts that she "borrowed" and never returned and looks more like a night gown on her. He didn't mind. It was better that she was able to get comfortable at night instead of always being dressed in case she had to run like she used to.   
   
"Yes. I just... I wasn't sure if you wanted me to sleep here tonight. I know you were busy last night and wanted some alone time..." She sounded a little sad. "That's totally okay," she adds quickly."I know you need your space sometimes. But I worry...." She looks down.  
   
Caleb smiles at her. "Come here schatz." He motions for her to climb up the bed and holds open the blanket for her to curl into his side. "I am sorry I doomed you to a night with Jester and Beau last night. I just needed quiet. After the last job cooped up with Beau sharing a room for so long. It was nice to have a night on my own. But I am good for now."  
   
"I'm glad Caleb." She says as she wiggles into a comfortable ball under his arm. She goes quiet for a while. He listens to her breathing and he begins to think she's gone to sleep when she speaks again. "Cay?"  
   
"Yes Nott?"  
   
"Did you find what you were looking for about that ring we found?" Caleb goes still. Nott shifts her head to look up at his face which he forces into a smile.   
   
"No. Unfortunately it is just a nice piece of history. Not what I was hoping it was." He smooths her hair with the arm around her and snaps Frumpkin into existence with the other to distract her.  
   
"Oh hi Frumpy." She winds her fingers into her fur as the cat settles into a sleeping position on his chest and starts purring. "I'm sorry it wasn't magic. Maybe we can find something better soon." She lays her head back down her hand still on Frumpkin. The moment she looks away his smile fades, he doesn't have the strength to keep it in place any longer.  
   
"Ja. We can keep looking. Now go to sleep schatz. We start another assignment tomorrow." He lays awake for a while after that. Long enough that Nott's breathing evens out. He lies there running that last memory over and over in his head. He cant stop seeing the pain on Astrid's face and he feels that hatred for Trent bubble up again. If it weren't for Nott sleeping next to him he would've been up pacing the rest of the night. As it was, he had to lay there simmering. But as the anger slowly fades, so does his energy and he finds himself drifting off to thoughts of his old friends. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  TRANSLATIONS FOR CH2  
> “Mein kleiner Engel. Mama hat dich. Sie werden bald gesund und stark. Essen Sie Liebling. Wenn es Ihnen gut geht, können wir in die Stadt gehen und Ihnen ein neues Buch besorgen, okay? Das ist es Honig. Rast. Sie werden bald besser.”  
> -My little angel. Mommas got you. You’ll soon be healthy and strong. Eat darling. If you're doing well, we can go to town and get you a new book, okay? That's it honey. Rest. You’ll get better soon.  
>    
> "Sie haben Ihr Pergament und Ihre Tinte, um uns zu schreiben?"  
> -You have your parchment and your ink to write to us?
> 
> "Natürlich lieb. Und ich werde schreiben, so schnell ich kann."   
> -Of course dear. And I'll write as soon as I can.
> 
> “Kümmern Sie sich um Ihre Mutter okay? Du wirst so stark und sie wirst deine Hilfe brauchen, solange ich weg bin."  
> -“Take care of your mother okay? You’re getting so strong and she’ll need your help while I’m gone.”
> 
> Ja Vater.  
> -“Yes father.”
> 
> Das ist ein guter Mann Caleb. Ich liebe dich beide, und ich werde zu Hause sein, bevor du merkst, okay? Sei gut.  
> -“That’s a good man Caleb. I love you both, and I’ll be home before you realize, alright? Be good.”
> 
> Er wird uns schreiben. Und er wird sehr bald zu Hause sein. Du hast keinen Sohn.  
> -“He’s going to write us. And he’ll be home very soon. Don't you fret son.”
> 
> Beeilen Sie sich, ich möchte Ihnen etwas zeigen  
> -"Hurry hurry, I want to show you something.”
> 
> Ja, Sohn, wir sind hier. Was wollen Sie uns zeigen?  
> -“Yes son, we’re here. What is it you want to show us?” “
> 
> ok ok. Schau  
> -“Ok ok ok. Look,”
> 
> Wie ... wo hast du gelernt, das zu tun!?  
> -“How… where did you learn to do that!?”
> 
> Der Zaubermann, der letzte Woche durch die Stadt kam. Er hat mir gezeigt, wie man es macht, und ich habe geübt. Ich kann magischen Papa machen!  
> -“That magic man that came through town last week. He showed me how to do it, and I’ve been practicing. I can do magic dad!”
> 
> Das ist wunderbar lieb! Mit diesem Geschenksohn kann man so viel machen. Sie werden jeden Tag üben, und wir werden einen Weg finden, um mehr zu lernen, gut? Du ... du willst mehr ja lernen?  
> -“That’s wonderful dear! you can do so much with this gift son. You will practice every day, and we will find a way for you to learn more, alright? You… you want to learn more yes?”
> 
> Ich will die ganze Magie lernen! Ich kann gegen böse Jungs kämpfen und Mädchen retten, und ich kann coole tricks machen!  
> - “I want to learn all the magic! I can fight bad guys, and save girls, and I can do cool tricks!”
> 
> Vielleicht rechtzeitig Sohn. All das und mehr. Du wirst eines Tages ein sehr mächtiger Mann sein, und ich bin so stolz auf dich.  
> -“maybe in time son. All that and more. You will be a very powerful man someday son, and I am so proud of you.”
> 
> Ruck  
> -Jerk


	3. Meeting with the Boss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mighty Nien meet with the Gentleman for their next assignment and Caleb takes stock of how his friends have changed since the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had planned to post on mondays, or when each chapter hit 100 views, but I watched my very first live show last night and I'm so tired (it ended at 1am where I am) but I am also inspired to get this finished and post another chapter. 
> 
> So notes, I originally wrote this without being caught up and I find it really hard to connect with Caduceus and so describing how he would change over 3 years was a challenge but I like what I did with him, and I've got some 'wise Caduceus' moments coming in future chapters so stay tuned.
> 
> This chapter is also pretty short because after this is travel time and I personally think I got carried away and feel that that chapter is pretty heckin' long so there's that....

The following morning Caleb opens his eyes to the sun peeking into the window and Fjord’s distinctive knock at the door, "Up and at 'em guys. We got a meetin' in an hour." He turns his head to see Nott still dozing into his shoulder. Frumpkin is gone, but as he raises his head he sees Frumpkin lounging on the floor in a ray of sunlight. "Traitor..." He mumbles. 

He tries to untangle himself from the blanket and sit up without waking Nott but old habits die hard. The moment he starts shifting her head shoots up, "huh wha- what's happening?" This is his favorite time to see Nott, just woken up with drool at the corner of her mouth, lines on her face from his shirt and her hair all over the place.

"Guten morgen Nott. How did you sleep?" He smiles at her. He feels mostly at peace in this moment. He had everything he wanted right here. His best friend was safe for the moment, and the weight on his hand reminded him he had a way to fix all of his evil doings. 

"Hmm." She mumbles. "Ask me again when I start drinking again...." She slides off the bed and shambles to where she left her bags the night before and starts pulling out her day clothes and bandages. Caleb chuckles as he climbs out of bed and pulls his boots on. He still sleeps in most of his clothes since he’s used to doing that on the road anyway. 

He stands and turns his back to her to give her some privacy as he pulls on his holster and puts on his coat and scarf. He can still hear Nott dressing so he pulls his bags from under his bed and starts checking his components since he hadn't been able to do any shopping the last two days. "I probably need to get some more iron dust before we leave today. After we check with the Gentleman would you like to accompany me to the Pentamarket?"

"Sure, I think I should probably look for some new shinies before we're on the road for another week and all I can do is try to steal Jester or Beau's jewelry." She clambers back onto the bed fully dressed and settles next to his bags to watch him sort through them. "It's not as satisfying when I feel guilty and end up sneaking it back into a pocket later on." Not pulls her flask out from under her cloak and takes a sip.

"Alright schatz." He closes up his bags and puts them back under the bed where they will retrieve them later that day. He smiles at her, "we can look for a nice button or two." He ruffles her hair before stepping towards the door and opening it for her. As she walks under his arm she turns up to study his face, "You're in a suspiciously good mood." She squints at him. 

"I am in a good mood." He takes a deep breath and contemplates how much to say. "It just feels like today is the start of a new chapter. Now hurry, before Beau gets all the bacon." Nott watches his face a moment longer before pulling her hood up and scampering down the stairs ahead of him. He looses sight of her at the bottom as he closes their door and starts following.

"Caleb..?" He turns to see Yasha closing the door to the girls room and walking towards him so he waits for her to stop in front of him. 

"Good morning Yasha. Do you need something?" Her face seems pensive as she stands there not quite making eye contact. That's one thing Caleb loved about his time with Yasha. They were both equal in their social habits; limited eye contact, quiet voice, and observed more then they spoke. 

"Um, yes. I just need some time to myself today, so if you can tell the others I'll catch up on the road in a few days, I'd appreciate it." She sounded sad but Caleb wasn't good with feelings and didn't know if he should ask. But he has learned to show a measure of care when the situation calls for it.

"Sure Yasha. I'll tell them. You'll be safe, ja?" He tilts his head up to look up to her hair line in a way to mimic eye contact, even if he knew it wasn't necessary with her. "Of course, thank you Caleb." She meets his simulated gaze momentarily, nodding before turning on her heel and headed the opposite direction. He thought about mentioning how there was only one set of stairs and he was standing in front of them, but he learned a long time ago that Yasha had her ways, just like he knew she'd find them even though they didn't even know where they were headed yet.

He turns and makes his way down to meet the others downstairs. He reaches the bottom to see Beau and Nott gathered on either side of Jester giggling at Jester's journal. Nott points to something on the page and burst out laughing, "his nose was much bigger then that."

Jester scribbles some more, "like that?"

This time Beau loses it smacking the table. "Yeah, just like that! It was like you were there!" Jester sits up straighter clearly pleased with the praise. Jester's violet eyes look up and meet Caleb's blue and she beams up at him. "What do you think Caleb?" She turns the book around and shows doodle of the curator in cartoon form balancing a vase on his head and holding two platters, one in each hand. On top of the platters were Beau in her dress looking like she’s about to punch someone, and on the other was Caleb, looking handsome and regal in his suit, with Nott running between the cartoon man's legs trying to trip him up. Caleb bit his lip in a bid to keep a straight face. "I think his mustache was much larger too, to match that clown nose you gave him." 

Beau nods, "Yeah I think he's right." They dissolve into more giggles as he takes his seat and starts eating what's left from breakfast. Caleb hid his smile behind another chunk of bread as he watches his friends enjoy a laid back morning.

 

***

 

Thirty minutes later find the Mighty Nein in the heart of Zadash's seedy underbelly gathered around the head table of their long time employer. The Evening Nip literally never changes. It has the same tables, the same music, the same drinks, the same bartender, and all the same riffraff. The only difference now is that they all know and respect the Mighty Nein as the Gentleman's number one (and two and three and......) Most of the ones that are still awake look up from their drinks (yes even at 9am) and give a nod or a wave to them as they enter. A few congratulate them on a job well done as they pass through the tables. 

"Good morning my dears!" The Gentleman croons. "That information you got has been put to good use already, I assure you." The blue man takes bite off of what Caleb thinks is a turkey leg and chews slowly, savoring the flavor. He was clearly in no rush, and the Nein were accustomed to the behavior so they stood in silence waiting to be spoken to. "Well sit, sit. Please get comfortable. Drinks?"

"Yes!" Nott called as Fjord said "No sir, thank you." The two share a glance and Nott shrugs before sitting in a chair and pulling out her flask. The rest shuffled around the table finding seats and getting ready to settle in for a while. 

Jester sits in the seat next to the Gentleman as he eats and pulls out her sketchbook silently drawing. Ever since she found out he might be her dad, she had tried to get closer to him, but never directly bringing it up. As far as Caleb knew, Jester and the Gentleman had never talked about it since, just silently danced around the topic. Caleb thinks she might be scared of rejection, but at least being close to him and getting to know him had been good enough so far. Jester's hair had grown out, she keeps it in a long thick braid that she coined as a "Molly look". On the road Yasha and Nott are always putting flowers in it. She had learned some tact as well, such as her ability to sit quietly when needed. Caleb watches as she grins down into her sketchbook stifling a giggle, always mischievous even when subdued. 

Next to her was Fjord. This was the first time he's really looked at him in a while. His leather armor a bit dinged but always polished clean after every job. His tusks took a while to come back in but now they sat proudly between his lips, sharp and intimidating. The scar on his face fading slowly but still visible and the gray in his hair more prominent then when they had met three years ago. He wore a yellow stone on a string around his neck, a subtle nod to his deity that only the Nien knew the meaning behind. Fjord had grown as a leader, a strategist in combat situations, much loved and much respected all around and Caleb valued that growth. 

Next to him was Nott sipping on her flask. Caleb watched her grimace at the flask and take another sip. About 7 months before, they had convinced her she should stop drinking, so they had her go back to Pumat's and ask him to change the enchantment on her flask to give her something that tasted similar, but was not as poisonous to her body. There were some rough nights following that change, but as far as he knew, she'd been dry ever since. Shes also become more comfortable in her body over the years. She still wished to look differently someday, but she wasn't so desperate now, it had become more of a long term goal with the help of their friends. She had learned to love them all and Caleb was glad he had been a part of it.

Caleb sat next to her and so he looked to his other side to find Beau sitting with one leg under her and the other leg with her knee under her chin as she bites her nails. Over the years Beau had kept her hair in her top knot with the undercut, and she kept the blue robes of the Cobalt Soul, but she had added art down her shoulders. She had a peacock displayed proudly on her right bicep, the tail bright and beautiful. On her opposite arm was a set of glass scimitars and a phrase in Infernal Jester had translated for her, but neither of them had ever bothered to tell the rest what it said. Caleb could read it if he tried, but he always figured Beau would tell them if she wanted them to know. She also had a few smaller ones scattered over her back arms and legs. She'd never admit what they meant but she had one for each of their group as reminders of her adopted family.

On Beau's other side was Caduceus. He hadn't changed much either, but he had grown with them. He seemed to become more comfortable with the world as he learned more about it, but he very much had stayed true to himself. He made it a point to find the greenest part of every city and say a prayer to the Wildmother. His staff now had ribbons tied to the top below the amethyst, one orange for Caleb, yellow for Fjord, Blue for Beau, pink for Jester, green for Nott, black for Yasha, and a purple one in memory of a friend he never met but felt a strange kinship to after all the stories the rest shared. Caduceus had become somewhat of a moral compass and guiding force to the decisions they made. They each looked to him for guidance in their own ways.   
Caleb was pulled from his observations by voices. He must have been day dreaming for a while because Fjord was already talking jobs with the Gentleman. 

"Well, after that last long term assignment, you deserve an easy one, don't you think?" The mans eyes raked over Caleb and Beau uncomfortably. Caleb stared back blankly, defiant. The Gentleman was one of the few people he refused to back down from, he refused to submit. Even after working for the man for so long there was still something that gave him bad vibes, something unsettling. Finally the blue man broke the staring contest and looked back to Fjord, "How's a simple extermination job for you? Just a few days out of the city, kill some pests that are frankly beneath your skill sets," he looks around the table as he says this before going back to Fjord, "and because I'm feeling generous I'll pay your usual fee despite how small this job is for you. Consider it a bonus." He smiles as he shrugs nonchalantly. 

"Well that's a mighty generous offer, sir."Fjord turns towards Beau and Caleb, "What do you think team?" Fjord may be the face of the Mighty Nein in most situations, but he preferred to have Beau, and for some reason Caleb could not fathom, himself, as a balancing act to decisions even if they all voted in the end anyway. 

"I defer to the group," Caleb gives his usual answer nodding to Fjord as his silent consent. This is what he was hoping for anyway, a quick job to spend some time with them before everything changes. 

"Yeah sure, sounds like a walk in the park," replies Beau. Caduceus dips his head silently in agreement and Jester beams at Fjord when he looks to her. Nott just holds up her flask in a toast as her answer.

Fjord turns back to the Gentleman, "That's unanimous. We'll take it. Now, where'r we headed and what'r we fightin'?"


	4. On The Road Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Nien hit the road and Caleb continues to experiment with the artifact. Some of his friends are starting notice he's acting strangely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYYYY ;)
> 
> So this is real travel heavy but I tried to make it interesting. Cad gets to shine a bit. "He Cad, you beautiful cow you. Your WIS20 is showing again."
> 
> So there's a memory in this one that I literally went to the Transcripts, copied, pasted, then edited into a literary format. It's a really long portion but I think I did ok. I do that a few more times in future chapters as well. (There also a memory of teenage Caleb and Astrid implied simi sexual content so yeah...)
> 
> This ch starts to show some of the ways 3 years with loving friends can start to change someone's self hatred and bad habits. A few mentions of the Nien trying to help Caleb get better. 
> 
> Translations at the end.
> 
>  
> 
> Please comment, I'm dying to know what you all think.

They left town around noon after some last minute shopping, heading east along an old farming road. They now had a covered wagon to keep them from the elements when traveling, which was most of the time. Jester had taken her paint and written "The Mighty Nein" in fancy script on both sides, then she started doodling things from their adventures around the name. If one took the time to look, they'd find a manticore and her baby, there were panthers with medusa heads, there was an actual medusa in there somewhere along with a stone statue of Fjord (though he'd never admit to it happening). There were a few dragons, skeletal angel wings, an orange cat, a portrait of Kiri that Jester was especially proud of. And right up front near the driver seat was a big moon surrounded by the sun.

Everyone knew what it was meant to represent, but no one mentioned it. There was a spot near the center that had become slightly smudged where Caleb had noticed Beau and Jester touching it as they passed by sometimes. When they would camp Beau would sneak over when she thought no one was looking or sometimes she’d sit or lay on the driver’s bench and bow her head and just... talk to him for a while. Usually when things were going sideways and not looking so great for them.

The wagon was their home when not in Zadash, and even some nights when they were in the city and short on gold. They would parked it in an ally and all tumble into it using legs and shoulders for pillows as they huddled for warmth on more then one occasion. 

Fjord took his usual spot on his gray horse riding ahead of the group, Caduceus took the reins of the wagon keeping an eye out for trouble from the high seat. Nott sat next to him gazing out across the farm land looking for cows, "mooing" when she saw one. Jester and Beau were both on horses riding side by side behind the wagon talking quietly. Leaving Caleb to himself sitting inside the wagon against the side with the extra gear and bed rolls. He looks to his right to see Caduceus and Nott up in the driver seat, then to the left where he can see Beau and Jester on their horses trailing behind. As far as Caleb is concerned, he’s alone enough to try using the ring again. He'd just pull out one of his many books and pretend to read. 

He does just that. Pulling out his copy of 'Creatures of the Underdark' and opens it somewhere in the middle before focusing on the ring. He sits for a few moments feeling the rocking of the cart sway him in an almost comforting way. He starts thinking about Astrid trying to recall a memory before the academy. He feels so light and airy. It's a different feeling then before. 

 

 

 

 _Caleb is face to face with a smiling Astrid, they're laughing gleefully as he spins her around and around and around in a large ballroom. "_ Caleb quit it, you're going to make me sick," _she giggles out. He slows to a stop. They stand letting their laughs slowly calm and catch their breaths. Astrid meets his eyes and he lets her, because it's Astrid. He loves her eyes, as green as the trees in spring. "Oh Caleb. I've missed you." She reaches a small hand up and rests it on his cheek,_ "Where have you been darling?"

 _Caleb opened his mouth to start telling her of the amazing friends he's made but she continues on, "_ Why did you leave me?" _She steps back letting her hand fall to her side and now Caleb sees her in the white robes of the Assembly, her face looking disappointed._ "Why didn't you come back for me? I needed you and you left." _She has tears sliding down her face now. She raises her hands again and she looks down at them in horror as she notices they're covered in blood. The red syrupy liquid dripping off her slender fingers pooling at her feet. "_ Why did you leave us?" _She looks back up at him. Eodwulf is now standing next to her, his hands dripping in the same horrible way._ "You could've saved us from him, from ourselves."

"I'm... I'm sorry... Astrid... Wulf please...." _Caleb tries to step back but he cant move. Hes rooted in place. Without him telling them to, his hands raise into his sight line, also coated in blood, but not dripping like his friends. He watches in horror as his hands start casting a fire bolt. “_ I'm sorry." _He hears himself say before the magic leaves his palm in a blinding flash._

 

 

 

Caleb jolts awake, it's dark now and he's still sitting against the side of the cart, his back sore from being in the same position for half the day. He looks up to see Jester in the cart with him rooting through her bag, "Sorry Caleb. I didn't mean to wake you. I dropped my axe..." She looks sheepish as she picks it back up and puts it into her bag. He must have fallen asleep trying to focus on the ring.

"No worries." He notices they are no longer moving. "Have we stopped for the night?" He closes his book and begins the painful process of stretching and scooting to the end of the wagon. 

"Oh yes. You were asleep like AAAAALL day. We were going to wake you up when we stopped but Nott growled at us and told us to let you sleep." She starts moving to the edge behind him as he stretches and hears every bone in his knees and back pop into place. He groans and puts out a hand to help Jester down before taking in the surroundings. They were a little ways off the road in a small crop of trees. Fjord and Beau were already setting up the tents and Clay was getting a fire started. "I did not mean to fall asleep. I suppose I will volunteer for first watch, ja? It’s only fair." 

"Sounds good to me." Jester smiles sweetly and goes to help Cad start dinner. 

Nott wonders into the circle from the dark and reports to Fjord, "Perimeter clear captain." She salutes him and Beau starts laughing. Fjord chuckles, "Good job Nott."

Everyone kind of does their own thing after that. Nott volunteers to do watch with Caleb and eventually everyone settles in for the night. Jester and Beau collapse into their tent, and Fjord nods to them as he heads to the one he shares with Cad. Caduceus stays up a bit longer to enjoy one more cup of tea before bed. Caleb takes up a spot facing the road at the edge of the light making sure his transmuter stone is set to help with dark vision, and starts watching the shadows dance. After a while he hears shuffling and turns to see Caduceus headed to the tent, "Goodnight Caleb, keep us safe." 

"Always Herr Clay." Caleb turned back to the dark and shortly Nott comes up beside him and pushes into his side. "Hallo schatz. How was the road? I seem to have fallen asleep."

"Boring. Just grass and trees." She stares out at the dark with him and they sit in companionable silence for a good while just enjoying the company. Nearing the end of the 3 hours with just small talk Caleb remembers a small necklace he had commissioned for her a few weeks ago, but was waiting for the anniversary of when they met in a few more weeks. That day would never come, and Nott still deserved nice things, she deserved to enjoy it. Caleb reaches for the inside pocket of his coat and pulled out a little satchel. 

"Nott..." His voice was a little rough with disuse so he clears his throat and tries again. "Nott I have something for you... to celebrate three years of our friendship." He can feel Nott sit up straighter and look up at him. "I was going to give it to you on in a few weeks, on the day we met. But I can't wait any longer."

"Caleb you don't have to get me anything." Her voice was true but her eyes strayed to the little pouch in his hand eyeing it with excitement. 

He rubbed over the soft velvet for a moment, relishing how the soft fibers felt to his calloused fingers. "I know that schatz. but you deserve something nice." He hands the pouch over and Nott holds it almost reverently staring at it in awe. She gently tugs the drawstrings open and tips the contents into her little hand. Sitting in her palm was a gold necklace. The pendant was in the shape of an oval about an inch and a half long and it gleamed in the firelight. There was an etching of hydrangeas and jasmine flowers, surrounded by a vine of ivy around the edge. When she looks up her eyes look a bit misty. "Its beautiful Cay...."

"Ja, I had them spend extra time polishing it for you. Turn it over." When she turns the pendant over there's a poem etched into the back.

 

"Two oaks side by side,  
Withstand a winter storm,  
in spite of wind and tide,  
Grow up the meadow’s pride,  
both are strong.  
Above they barely touch, but undermined  
Down to their deepest source,  
Admiring you shall find  
Their roots are intertwined  
Insep’rably."

 

When she looks up again she has a tear rolling down one cheek and another threatening to fall. "can you put it on?"

"Of course, Nott." Caleb takes the necklace and unclasps it as she turns. Caleb smiles as he fastens it around her neck. "We are inseparable, like the trees, you and I. We have weathered many storms, ja?" Nott turns back towards him and jumps up throwing her arms around his neck and a tight hug. 

"Always." She answers as she pulls back and Caleb wipes away a few tears from her face. His heart breaks a little.

 

***

 

The rest of the night had passed peacefully and the next morning they were on the road east again to their destination. The Gentleman had mentioned a hidden cave his men use as a halfway point and a hide out. Somehow it had become infested by some pests and they were meant to clear it out. The cave was supposedly behind a waterfall, and so they were headed towards the Eistus River that split the empire nearly in half in search of whatever was causing this issue. The plan was to stop in Aravost, a small fishing village on the edge of the water to get rest and ask for details before going forward. If they pushed hard today, they should make it by nightfall. 

Once again Caleb found himself in the back of the wagon, his usual place. Jester was curled up next to him napping as she had taken the last watch with Beau who was valiantly powering through her exhaustion and riding beside Fjord. Cad and Nott were once again in the bench of the wagon. Jester should be sleeping for a few hours at least, so he felt safe enough to use the ring again. Once again pulling out a book and opening it he took a deep breath and focused on the ring. He feels the now familiar pull as his mind drifts.

 

 

 

 _This memory was precious to him once. After decades of having it locked away it had begun to blur around the edges, but now it's as sharp as Fjord's falchion. Caleb sees himself, 15, maybe 16, politely weaving through a crowd. This is the same ballroom as his dream last night and the realization gives him pause._ "Caleb! Over here!" _Both older, and younger Calebs turn their heads in unison towards the voice where Astrid is standing with a Dignitary from the Menagerie Coast._ "Caleb this is Sir Mancelm Accorton. He's part of the Clovis Concord in the Menagerie Coast. He's come all this way to meet with Professor Ikithan and see how the academy is progressing." _Astrid's face is lit with excitement that someone had heard about Ikithan's program._

"Oh, it's very nice to meet you Sir. Have you met the Professor? He's around here somewhere." _Young Caleb reaches out to shake the man's hand wearing a blindingly charming smile. Caleb is dressed in the uniform of the Academy and radiates confidence. This is the Caleb who was proud of his station. He had nothing to fear except Ikithan, and he was Ikithan's star pupil. He was happy and naive. Older Caleb scoffs at what he used to be, so calm and collected, making eye contact and shaking hands, now the younger boy's arm was wound around Astrid's waist as if they belonged together._

_He tunes out the conversation and looks around the room, trying to get a glance at Eudwulf or Ikithan. He spots Wulf surrounded by a group of politicians daughters, and he's milking the situation for all it's worth. He can't see Ikithan from where he stands but he knows he's here, watching, listening, grading._

_Movement catches his eye and he realizes that Sir Accorton was bidding farewell to the students, and Astrid makes a flirty face at young Caleb. "_ If your hand goes any lower you might be beaten for indecency," _she leans over and whispers to his ear._

 _"_ Hmm... is that so?" _Caleb in his teenage wisdom slides his hand lower on her waist and leans into her ear, "_ should we go to the gardens?" _His lips brush her ear gently, and the older Caleb can see the effect it had on the teenage Astrid as they clasp hands and head to the back entrance, nearly sprinting to get away from the crowds._

_Caleb watches them go. He doesn't need to follow to know that this is the night he shared his first kiss. It was wet and messy and frankly embarrassing and he had no wish to relive that. He takes one more look around the room before the memory fades and see's Ikithan watching the two teenagers escaping outside._

 

 

 

 

Caleb blinks out of the memory shaking his head and turns a page in his book before glancing round. Jester is thankfully still sleeping and no one is looking at him so he relaxes and leans his head back against the wall of the wagon.  _Fools_ , he thinks. Hindsight gave him the ability to see that that night had been a test. They were all doing well, but it was one of the few times they had been allowed out in a social context and they let themselves get comfortable. Caleb and Astrid were supposed to be making contacts, making first impressions. And though they had done that for a while, sneaking out was a big no no. Sneaking out to be together, to kiss was unacceptable, and they had been punished harshly for it that night.

Caleb shakes his head to clear the memory. These memories were taking a toll on his heart but he wanted to see them all again so he focuses once more. He's pulled easily into the ring thinking of a simpler time.

 

 

 

 _He's once again standing outside his childhood home, this time in the backyard. A 9 year Caleb bursts from the door and is being chased, giggling as an 8 year old Astrid and a 10 year old Wulf burst out behind him._ "Du wirst mich niemals lebend nehmen!” _Little Caleb runs through the yard and jumps up onto a tree stump to make his stand. He whirls around and points two sticks at the approaching children. "_ Ich bin der große Pirat Phillip, komm mit meiner Crew oder mit den Fischen!"

 _Astrid tries to stifle her laughter but Wulf doesn't bat an eye,_ "Pirat Philip, ich fürchte dich nicht. Ich werde dich aufnehmen und das Kopfgeld auf deinem Kopf einsammeln!"  _He points a similar stick up at Caleb._

 _"_ Das ist wahr!"  _Astrid finally recovers. "_ Du hast meinen Mann getötet, ich will ihn nur rächen!"  _She points a realistic looking wooden sword she got for her birthday a few years before up at Caleb._

"Der Fisch ist es. Arg,"  _replies Caleb before the children dissolve into a slow motion stick fight. Older Caleb watches in amusement as he critiques some of the moves, comparing Wulf and Astrid to both Fjord and Yasha, and with a ping of sadness he find himself comparing young Caleb to Molly with the similar style of dual wielding. Caleb definitely lacked the grace and beauty Mollymauk had, but he could see he had some skill if it had been nurtured. He vaguely thinks he should take up a sword to supplement his magic but shakes that thought away when he remembers that would require him to be up close with the enemy._

 

 

 

He watches the children for a few more moments before letting the memory fade. He wishes things had never changed, that they stayed young and innocent like they had been. If only Caleb hadn't learned Dancing Lights, he never would've caught Ikithan's attention. Trent would not have come to Blumenthal, would not have chosen him and his friends. It's all his fault. 

"Caleb...?" He realizes his vision had become blurry and blinks furiously before turning to a sleepy Jester. "Yes, Saphir?"

"You were crying." Jester sits up and pushes her hair out of her face as she scoots closer. "Are you okay?"

"Hmm. Yes. Just thinking some not nice things about myself. Thank you for bringing me back to reality." He smiles sadly and pats her knee. His friends had been helping him get rid of some of his worst habits, like using mud as a disguise (except that one time they all used mud and it worked  gottverdamnt), or thinking self deprecating thoughts by convincing him they all loved him ("but like only as a brother or something" Beau insisted.) 

"Oh good, I'm glad I woke up to help." She smiled at him and tilted her head, "Want to talk about it? You know I'm a really good listener."

"Nien, no. I am okay Jester. But I think we all need another vacation after this, ja?" 

"Oh definitely." Jester starts talking animatedly about all the picturesque places she had heard about and she thinks would make good vacation spots. After they had gone on their first vacation together about a year ago to the hot springs resort in the mountains surrounding Kamordah, Jester had been planning another get away. 

Hearing Jester and Caleb talking, Nott climbed her way down into the wagon and joined the conversation. Caleb was not really into it, but he added a comment here and there to show he was listening. 

Shortly Jester and Nott’s conversation went off topic and Caleb used that as an excuse to start reading. He couldn't use the ring with them siting right next to him but that was okay. He was running out of happy memories already. 

 

***

 

By the time the sun was setting they could see lantern light on the horizon as they approach Aravost. "Alright everyone, eyes up, heads on swivels. You know how these small towns can be towards outsiders," Fjord instructed them as they grew closer. Caleb put away his books and Jester took out most of her jewelry (a lesson she learned a while back, pickpockets were not limited to pockets.) They covered the rest of the gear with tarps and tucked them up against the very front of the cart behind the driver's bench. Beau dropped back and rode her horse behind the cart, trying to look as intimidating as possible, giving Caleb a silent nod. 

Most of the precautions were just that, precaution. But they had on occasion passed thru small villages and towns like this one that just did not like visitors and would do everything they could to get rid of them. So until Fjord and Cad got a feel for the people, they'd be on guard. From his position in the wagon he couldn't see much but he felt them slow to a stop. Then Fjord slapping on the side of the wagon before his face appears around the back. "We're good so far. We found an inn, The Sleepy Cask. Y'all step out and watch the horses and we'll go see if they have rooms. This place ain't to big." Fjord, Beau and Caduceus make their way over to the inn and disappear inside. 

Glancing around Caleb finds Fjord's observation to be a bit underwhelming. "Ain't to big, huh?" Jester says next to him echoing his thoughts. "There's like nothing here. And it smells like fish." Jester makes a face as she pets her horse, Doughnut.

"It's a fishing village Jester, were you expecting it to smell like that one town, Redlock, that makes soap?"

"Oh I liked Redlock. All the pretty smells. I think I still have some soap left." She starts rummaging in her bags and Caleb takes note of the few buildings he sees. There's a general store called Jocelm's Oddities next to the inn but it looks closed. Caleb's interest is piqued that it's named Oddities, maybe he'll find something there in the morning. There was another store next to that with no name, but it appeared to sell food items. There was a slightly larger, slightly cleaner building made of stone that was probably a town center. Then there were docks along the water and a few houses spread about the outer edges of the town. If he had to guess the population was probably not more then 50 people. And it definitely smelled of fish. 

His attention was drawn back to the door of the inn as Fjord emerged. "Look what I found." Yasha stepped out behind him and waved shyly. "Been here mosta' the day waitin' for us. Says the town's pretty quiet if not friendly. They mostly just keep to themselves, so we should be alright." Fjord steps up into driver seat of the wagon, "Caleb, if you don't mind can you get Beau and my bags? She's got keys to rooms and I've got directions to a barn we've been told we can use to store the horses." 

"Of course," is his response as Yasha grabs the reins for Doughnut, Fuckface (Beau's horse) and Shelby 2.0 (Fjords gray mustang). Nott hands him and Jester the bags before jumping off the wagon and the three of them wonder into the building. Beau is already halfway done with a tankard and Caduceus is starting up his tea kettle (enchanted by Pumat to heat the water without making the pot hot to the touch). When Caleb puts Beau's bag down at her feet with a thump, she slides one of the brass keys over to him and he pockets it with a quiet thanks. 

"No problem. Apparently this town doesn't get many visitors. Place is pretty much empty. Can’t fathom why." Her sarcasm is lost on all of them as Jester, Caleb and Nott all say in unison. "Probably because it smells like fish." Caleb can't quite hide his smile as the two girls burst into a laughing fit and Beau stares at them in horror. "You guys need to stop spending so much time together. Even you Widogast?" She makes a disgusted sound before chugging the rest of her drink and going to find the bar keep for another. 

Caduceus is quiet while they all take seats then suddenly, "I rather like the fish smell." The girls dissolve into laughter again. 

 

***

 

This had been a short trip compared to what they were used to, so they weren't all that tired, but Caleb excused himself early when Beau pulls out Molly's cards and starts shuffling, something she's gotten better at over the years, but she still has yet to pull one. She claims it's because the deck is missing the Moon card and wouldn't work well, but Caleb thinks she's a little scared to see what Lady Fate would bring to the top of the deck. The cards, now warn by use but still taken care of and loved, give Caleb an uneasy feeling when he sees them so he never sticks around long when she pulls them out. 

"Excuse me, I think I will retire for the evening and ready my spells for tomorrow. Goodnight everyone." He kisses Nott's head as he walks by and the rest give a round of 'goodnights' as he leaves. 

Jester, Fjord and Nott continue their conversation but Beau and Caduceus watches Caleb leave then turn to each other. "You gettin' vibes too, huh Deuce?"

Caduceus hums an agreement. "Something is going on with Mr. Caleb." He looks down at the table and his face does the thing it does when he ponders a great delima. Beau knows that look so she just sits and shuffles and shuffles the deck, careful not to drop any. She tunes in and out of the conversation the others are having, and eyes Yasha from across the table. 

"I'll go talk to him." Beau was startled out of her gawking by Caduceus's calm voice. She looks to him to find him nodding to himself. He looks at her, "I'll go talk to him." He stands and takes his tea kettle with him as he climbs the stairs. 

"Is he okay?" asks Fjord concerned for his room mate. 

"Yeah, he just wants to ask Caleb about something magic-y. He'll be back. Probably." Beau goes back to drinking and shuffling. It just feels like one of those nights. 

Upstairs Caleb hears a gentle knock and Caduceus' voice call out, "Can I come in?"

Caleb looks up from the book he was reading at the desk and calls out, "come in Herr Clay." The door creaks open slowly as the firbolg squeezes in quietly. "Hello Mr. Caleb. I hope you don't mind, I just wanted to have a chat. May I sit?" He stands awkwardly near the bed he assumes is Nott's, since there's no bags on it yet. 

"Oh, please." Caleb gestures to the bed. "Can I help you with something?"

"I think..." Caduceus pauses to start up his kettle again. "I think I might be able to help you." Caleb can feel the other mans gaze inspecting him and settling on the ring on his finger. Caleb tries to shift subtly, into a position so his hands are not so visible under the desk. 

"And what is it you think I need help with?" Caleb knows that Caduceus could take one look at his eyes and know what he's planning. Maybe not the exact nature, but he would know. So he does his best to avoid the man's eyes, not unusual for him.

"Well, that depends entirely on how much you're willing to tell me friend. I know something is going on with you, we all do. You're not that subtle. Either that, or our friends know you better then you think. Either way, we're worried about you. I know you've gone on research binges before..." Cad's eyes dart to the book Caleb has on the desk and reads the title, The Magic of Cooking by Altus Brown, "however I doubt you're studying my cookbook."

Caleb stays silent. He feels like a child being scolded. Caduceus had not raised his voice, had not even directly called him on his shit. But the guilt of what he planned to do started gnawing on him. He could remain silent, brush off the observations, he knows that Caduceus would leave if asked. But he felt he owed the man something, a half answer perhaps. 

"I...." He hesitates to put together his words. "I have found a spell. I powerful one. Something that... well it can help me. But..." he decides to lie about the rest. "It's a bit dangerous and complicated. It's to much for me right now. I may have let my excitement, and then my disappointment boil over into the group. I do apologize Caduceus. I will do better." This is something else he had been working on, apologizing. It felt wrong this time, leaving his lips on a lie. To such a close friend.

The kettle whistled and Caduceus poured a cup of lavender tea and set it on the desk before speaking again. "I see... Is this a spell that Jester and I could assist with? Perhaps more magic users could lessen the strain on you?"

"Nien. It is a one person spell. But thank you." Caleb wraps his hands around the tea cup enjoying the warmth without thinking and he sees Caduceus eyes glow teal and his gaze inspecting the ring before he can put his hand back under the table. Their eyes meet and in that moment he knows he's been found out. Caleb sits still, sipping the tea waiting for the outburst he knows will come. But it doesn't. Because this is Caduceus. Sweet and calming Cad. In the near 3 years together Caleb had only seen the man get angry twice.

As the spell fades, Caduceus hums. "Hmm. I think I understand now. Do you want to talk about it?"

“Nien.” It comes out much harsher then intended, but his nerves are so wrung out in this moment he cant be bothered to try again.

Cad stands slowly and collects his tea tin and kettle before facing Caleb head on. "That’s alright. I do hope you think of the consequences. Most of us will be alright. But you should think about our friend Nott." He pauses at the door and looks Caleb over again making sure the words have sunk in. "Just bring me the cup in the morning. Goodnight Mr. Caleb."

Caleb sits in stunned silence for a while. Running the conversation over in his mind. The small break in his heart from the night before is now wrenched open. How could he have been so foolish as to not think about how this would effect Nott? Out of all of the Nien, it would effect her the most...

He closes the book he had borrowed from Cad, finishes the tea in one mouthful and begins to get ready for bed. It's still early but that just means he has some time to sift through some memories before the rest come to up to rest. He climbs in the rickety bed, wishing for the one back in Zadash before focusing on a memory of Nott. It takes him a few tries to calm his mind enough to focus but finally he feels the pull. 

 

 

 

"You can't keep me here! My clan will come murder you all!" _Caleb finds himself in a stone room, staring at metal bars and he hears shrieking from down the hall._

"There's no clans around here you little freak." _He hears the sound of a fist impacting flesh and the shrieking turns into a whimper as the source turns the corner. He sees Nott being dragged between two crownsguard. The bars in front of him open and she's thrown into the cell with no regard for her well being. He glares at the guard before turning to inspect the state Nott is in before remembering he's not really here. He's over there, curled into the corner, a huddled ball of rags._

 _He hears Nott sniffling as she curls tighter._ "It is not so bad. Once you get used to the beatings." _The voice that he hears is his own, but his accent much thicker from disuse. Who did he have to talk to over the last decade? Nott flinches and scurries away into the opposite corner, she must not have known he was there at first. "_ Who are you? What do you want? I'll kill you! I'll rip you to shreds with my teeth! See how pointy they are?!" _Nott gives her best attempt at a snarl, showing as many teeth as possible. But this Caleb had no fear of death, he rather welcomed it, so he stared her down and her snarling turned into quiet crying._

 _"_ They're going to kill me.... Because I'm a filthy goblin... Maybe I deserve it, goblins are terrible..." _Nott is curled up in a corner and she looks miserable. The Caleb in the corner can't decide what to do so he does nothing. But the Caleb in the middle of the cell, kneels down in front of her, "_ Don't cry schwester.... That sad sack of rags over there...." _he stops. He takes a breath before continuing, "_ he will help you. And soon you will have a family. A family that doesn't care that you are a goblin, or that you have sticky fingers, or think you are everyone's mother. In fact they love all those things about you. And I... Love those things about you...." _He sighs,_ "I should tell you that more liebling... I love you." _He steps back and watches both prisoners for a moment before coming out of the memory with a deep ache in his chest._

 

 

 

He lays in bed staring at the blank ceiling for a long while thinking about Nott. He comes to one terrible conclusion, if Caleb had not been in that cell with her, if he did not have Frumpkin, Nott would've been sent to death, simply for being a goblin. (And a thief, but thieves weren't usually tried by death.) Caleb lets out a frustrated grunt and rubs his face down with his hands leaving them in his hair pulling a bit. So many things can change. If Nott is meant to live, someone else could just as easily be in that cell and help her. Or maybe she wont get arrested in the first place. He cannot know for sure. That should be an unnerving thought, not knowing, but in his selfish bid to ignore the implications he takes that as a consolation. "Anything can change." He says it out loud to convince himself before deciding to move on to happier memories. 

It takes him nearly fifteen minutes of trying before he's calm again and feels the pull. 

 

 

 

_He recognized the mountains covered in snow from their vacation immediately. He recognized the giggles and laughs even sooner. Looking around he sees the hot springs they had spent a week enjoying. He could see himself and Caduceus relaxing in one of the pools, with Nott sitting on the edge and her feet barely dipped in. She was wrapped in a fluffy robe, definitely to big for her, but it kept her body warm from the chilly breeze that would sweep down from the mountains occasionally._

_He heard the giggles get louder as Jester runs past wearing a cotton chemise and nothing else, but she's holding Fjord's small clothes in her hand as she cuts through the pools at dangerous speeds._ "Jes! Come on now!" _Fjord was hobbling after her, slowed by a leg injury still healing. He had a towel around his waist, held by his hand as he tried to chase after her._ "Caleb, a little help?!" _He calls._

 _Caleb in the pool lifts his head and gets a dab of molasses off the plate of sweets they had been eating and casts slow on Jester before putting his head back down._ "Thank you Cay." 

 _"_ No problem... old man." _He smiles but doesn't open his eyes._

"Hey! You're older then me!" _He hears Fjord limp after Jester who is now slow motion running._

 _"_ Perhaps _." He lifts his head again and watches Fjord catch up to Jester. "_ But I am not the one hobbling like an old man who needs a cane." _Caleb ducks as Fjords towel is aimed at his face and he laughs with them._

 

 

 

He remembers the feeling of absolute belonging as the memory fades. He had to force himself to relax and enjoy it at first, the insistent need to get work done had nearly consumed him the first day when Beau and Nott hid all of his books. But as he forced himself to relax, he found he rather enjoyed it. There was time for work later. He takes a deep sigh and moves onto another memory.

 

 

 

 _This memory had been nearly 2 years ago now, from their early days of the Nien, when they still had their secrets and mistrust. He recognized the rock of a ship on the sea. A glance around found him on the deck of the Mistake, the ship they still technically owned according to the forged documents Fjord still carried around. "_ Sit up with me for a little bit. We'll take the first shift." _He hears his own voice and follows it around the cabin to see himself and Nott standing on the deck as the others say goodnight and head below deck. "_ You want a piggyback?"

"Oh yes!" _He watches as Nott skitters up his back, almost causing him to fall off balance but he catches himself on the rail as she settles on his shoulders._

 _"_ You see the sun is coming up, but you can still see one or two stars up there. You see that one?" _The visiting Caleb looks up to where the past Caleb was pointing before coming to stand next to them and watch Nott’s face._ "That's a planet, that one. Another place."

 _Nott shakes her head, "_ No, we're on the planet." _Nott sounds like a mother explaining to her child how the world works. The visiting Caleb smiles fondly up at her._

 _They're both quiet for a bit watching the stars and the sun rise. "_ Today was a major clusterfuck. Everything went wrong. We did all the wrong things..." _Caleb says quietly, regretfully almost._

 _"_ It didn’t feel very good, did it?" _Nott looks sad, but there's something else in her face, like shes not quite sure what she's feeling._

"No. But do you know what worries me more? The feelings I’m getting from everyone in the crew. They’re a little despondent. All of them." _Caleb sounds determined. He remembers this was really the first time, other then Molly's death, that he had shown any indication that he cared. This was truly the moment he realized he wanted to stay with them._

"What do we do about that?" _Nott asks him, still looking at the stars, her hands on his cheeks to steady herself._

"I know that it didn’t go very well, but, this is our new family, right? We want the family to stick together. I think we need to lead by example. Keep their morale up. We have done good things, I know that today was..." _he can hear the hesitation in his own voice to find the right words before settling on Caduceus' explanation, "_ it was a day. But we want this to keep going?"

 _"_ Yes _." Nott didn't even hesitate._

 _"_ We care for these people, ja?"

 _"_ Absolutely. And we want to stay together, and if they’re thinking that this is not working out, we have to do something to change that." _Nott is looking down now, leaning over his head trying to peer into his eyes._

"This group, we get under each others’ skin, and we all egg each other on and we like to wing it, so maybe we need to slow things down. But I am serious, the thing that I am worried most is they feel like it’s fracturing, and we cannot let that happen." _The visiting Caleb also remembers trying to convince himself in this moment he didn't actually care, that he was just using them for his own gains. But he also remembers never quite believing it._

_He tunes them out for a few moments as he looks out to sea. He never thought he'd miss the water, but it sure was beautiful. Something about the big blue just calls to his soul. Maybe in another life he would be a sailor. He thought over the days on the Mistake and the Ball-Eater, it truly forged them as a family as much as it pulled them apart. Secrets shared, mistakes made. He chuckles at that, mistakes on the Mistake (and definitely mistakes on the Ball-Eater, first and foremost being the name.) He turns back to the Caleb and Nott of the past to tune back into their conversation._

_"---_ -still very scared of the water, and I like being on the boat, but getting off is going to be a trick. But it’s all right. Yeah. Yeah, we’re cool. It’s just these other people that are all messed up," _she was saying._

 _Caleb had dropped his voice to a whisper, "_ they’re losing their cool. _"_

"I know." _Nott looks like shes thinking real hard about the situation staring into the horizon. "_ We’ll keep them together. If all else fails, fake a heart attack. Everyone will go to your aid, and then when they save you, we’ll be like, 'Yeah, we saved him, yeah!'" _She sounds excited that she found a solution to the issue._

"I don’t know if you’re joking or not, but I’m going to do it." _He dead pans. "_ And there really is another world. _" He points to the planet again._

 _"_ No, we’re on the world Caleb," _she insists exasperated._

 _"_ Fine _." He can hear the smile in his own voice as the memory fades._

 

 

 

He comes out of this memory smiling. He starts thinking over the early days, not needing the ring for these memories. He remembers a time where they had to split up for a few weeks to lose some heat and meet back in Zadash, those were some of the worst weeks for him. Not knowing if the others were okay. Being alone in the forest. He had his magic to protect him, but it was miserable. He had grown accustomed to the company. Fjords snoring, Jester's sleep talking, Beau kicking in her sleep, Nott's warmth at his side. He could not sleep without it anymore. 

He remembers the dragon, almost losing Nott. The utter fear of the possibility making him truly realize what was important to him. He had felt at the time that allowing himself to start caring about the others had caused him to ignore what mattered; him and Nott together. Nott had told him she was happy for that, that he was thinking about the others. But he could not live with himself if he let something happen to her. It took him a long time to realize the others cared for her just as much as he did, and wanted to protect her too.

He remembers the friends they had made over the years, Shekaste being one of their most trusted allies now. He helped them when they fought the Madusa, it had come in handy to have a blind man in that fight. Shekaste also came with them when they had tracked down another ring of slavers in the Ashkeeper Peaks, something the Nien would never stand for again, and vowed to hunt down any and all slavers in the empire. A promise they held very seriously, and so far had kept.

They've had a lot of wonderful times together. And he will miss them all. But he has to fix his mistake. He does not get to grieve for what he will lose with his last spell. This is his mess to clean up. He wasn't meant to have this family anyway, he was never meant to have this. He forced himself to relax and fall into sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caduceus used detect magic on the ring. 
> 
>  
> 
> Translations for ch 4  
> “Saphir”  
> Sapphire
> 
> "You'll never take me alive!"  
> "Du wirst mich niemals lebend nehmen!"
> 
> "I am the great Pirate Phillip, join my crew, or join the fishes!"   
> "Ich bin der große Pirat Phillip, komm mit meiner Crew oder mit den Fischen!"
> 
> "Pirate Philip, I do not fear you. I will take you in and collect the bounty on your head!"  
> "Pirat Philip, ich fürchte dich nicht. Ich werde dich aufnehmen und das Kopfgeld auf deinem Kopf einsammeln!"
> 
> "It's true!"  "You killed my husband, I just want to avenge him!"  
> "Das ist wahr!" "Du hast meinen Mann getötet, ich will ihn nur rächen!"
> 
> "The fish it is. Arg,"  
> "Der Fisch ist es. Arg"
> 
>  
> 
> Flower language for ch 4  
> hydrangea gratitude for being understood  
> ivy friendship continuity  
> jasmine sweet love
> 
>  
> 
> Poem on necklace  
> ‘Friendship’ by Henry David Thoreau


	5. Thing's Happen for a Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Nein deal with the Gentleman's problem, leaving them feeling less then ideal. Caleb starts visiting some of his favorite moments of his friends. (Yes, this is where Molly comes in. )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOOOOOOO. 48 and 49 guys.... Oof. Big dump. BUUUUUUUT I finished this story like the weekend before 48 aired so I'm not rewriting it.... Sorry. I can't. It would destroy my mentality... That being said, come find me on tumblr so we can scream about it together: http://tearfulsolace.tumblr.com/
> 
> Cad back at it with that WIS20!
> 
> This chapter has combat. Some violence, nothing to bad. I rolled for everything, damage, hits, saves, all of it. The creature pages will be at the end notes. This is also where creating the Nein on dndbeyond came in handy. Also keep in mind this is 3 years later, and they have some better weapons (mostly Beau, who I gave a magic staff). I also made a battle map, so if you're interested in seeing that I can take a pic and post it on tumblr for you. Nothing fancy but I think it's cool. 
> 
> The ending is a bit abrupt, but that's because I knew that this is when Caleb is going to start getting really emotional and binging on memories and I had to split this chapter into 2 separate ones or this would literally be twice as long. 
> 
> I also used transcripts here, paraphrased, rearranged, etc to make these memories possible.
> 
> WARNING: Mild panic attack after the combat when they are talking at the inn, to skipthe 2 paras together that start with:  
> "Caleb just stares at him a moment. "  
> and  
> "When he finally gets to his room and closes the door"

Once again Caleb opens his eyes to Fjord's knock at their door, "Saddle up, we got some turtles to massacre." Caleb groans as he sits up and takes stock of his surroundings. The light coming from the window is gray and dreary, and Nott is curled at the foot of the bed so he nudges her gently with his foot. "Nott, wake up. Are we killing giant turtles?"

"Hmm?" she opens her eyes and yawns but makes no move to get up as Caleb stands. "Yeah, you went to bed so early but Fjord and Beau went and asked some of the fish people if they'd seen anyth...." She trails off into a snore as she falls back to sleep mid sentence. Caleb smiles fondly at her before he snaps Frumpkin onto the bed and tells him to wake her up. 

He gets dressed as Frumpkin starts pawing  her face and licking her cheeks. "Frumpkin, stooop...." She bats him away but he nips at her ear. "Hey! None of that!" She finally sits up and stretches after rubbing her ear and glaring at his cat. 

"Good morning Nott." He laughs lightly. "Now what were you saying about fish people and turtles?"

"Oh, uh they went to ask if anything weird had been seen lately, down by the waterfall. Apparently a kid went missing a few weeks back while swimming. The other kids said they saw a giant turtle shell in the water just before he went under. They never found him" She shivers. "I hate water..." she grumbles before sliding off the bed to dress. 

"Turtles... alright. That's a new one for me...." He pauses to think about it before turning his attention back to her and opening the door,  "I'm headed down, I'll save you some food." As he walked to the main room of the inn, something about turtles taking kids was ringing an alarm in his head but he wasn't able to put a finger on it. He decided to put it aside for now, he had other things taking up his thinking space anyway. 

 

***

 

About an hour later they were on the road along the river headed up stream towards the waterfall. It was only about a mile out of town so they decided to walk, warm up their muscles and use the time to strategize. Fjord and Yasha were taking the time to spar as they went. Jogging ahead, flinging a few blows as the group would pass, then jogging ahead again. Caleb finds himself watching them, admiring the grace in both of them as they leap over logs and rocks, the muscles in their arms and backs tensing as they clash metal to metal. It's light and friendly, their breath only labored because of the jogging but it's still impressive. 

"Ha, you'll need to start working out if you want to keep up with me Fjord," Yasha calls out laughing as she get a particularly good hit on him. 

"Oh that's uncalled for Yash," he calls back as he ducks one of her swings and uses his smaller size to get up into her space body checking her in the ribs with his shoulder, causing them both to tumble to the ground laughing. They lay there catching their breath as the rest of the group approaches. 

"You didn't hurt yourselves before a fight did you?" Jester leans over them pouting. "I don't want to waste a spell before the combat starts."

"Nah." Fjord stands and helps Yasha up. "We're good. Don't you worry that little head o' yours." 

"Oh good,” Jester cheers up immediately. “Because if I have spells left afterward I want to send a message to momma tonight. Fighting turtles sounds so interesting and I can't wait to tell her." She skips ahead a bit as Fjord and Yasha dust themselves off. 

"That was a good move Fjord. Risky, but good." Yasha tucks her sword back into the sheath on her back and Fjord dismisses the falchion. 

"Thanks. It's somethin' new I'm trying. And there's hardly reward without a little risk. Besides, we've got two of the best healers in the Empire on our team, a few scrapes won't keep me down, right Deuce?" Fjord looks over to Caduceus who had only been half paying attention, distracted by the river plants along the bank. 

"Hmm?" Cad looks up and looks at everyone trying to figure out what he missed. "Oh, sure, not if I can help it." He smiles dopily before going back to an interesting patch of green. 

Fjord chuckles. "See? Nothing to worry about."

Jester had gone quite a ways ahead and was now trotting back into view, "hey guys! I think I hear the water fall!" She waves them on then disappears back around the bend. "Hurry!" She calls. 

"Here we go," Beau chimes in, sounding more excited than necessary before hurrying around the corner after Jester, already pulling her staff out. Nott scrambles after them trying to keep up with her shorter legs. 

As the rest come around where Jester and Beau disappeared, they see the waterfall about 50 yards away, and easily standing about 100 ft tall. Jester and Beau were already making their way towards the cliff face, looking for markings from the Gentleman's people. 

Caduceus makes a low whistle before leaning over to Caleb next to him, "That's a long fall. Lets try not to take that dive."

"Einverstanden." Caleb eyes the cliff wearily.

Fjord and Yasha had already taken off after the girls, "Hey, not so fast! Let's look around first..." Fjord's words were lost to the sound of water crashing over a hundred feet into a large pool. If a child had not been drug under and probably killed, Caleb may have considered a swim. 

He felt Caduceus start moving so he followed, not wanting to be left alone with potentially murderous turtles. As they got closer he began to look for the glyphs that indicated the opening of the cave. There was a ledge that led behind the water, so it was a good bet it was probably behind there somewhere. 

"Beau, would you accompany me behind the waterfall? I would like to look for the entrance back there. You are fast and can catch me when I slip and fall."

"Uh sure. I can do that. But.. maybe don't slip?" Beau makes the face she uses when she thinks she's making a polite suggestion. 

"I am me," he answers before very carefully stepping onto the ledge and casting Mage Armor. Luckily the ledge is well used and has not had a chance to grow any slimy moss, a disappointment to Caduceus he's sure. He makes his way along the ledge, wide enough that he begins to think he may not end up falling after all. He can hear Beau's feet scuffing the rock behind him following closely. 

After about 4 feet the ledge sneaks behind the waterfall. The water is falling at an angle far enough away to not get hit directly by it, but the back spray and mist makes the air very wet and within seconds his coat is weighed down with damp and his hair is sticking to his face. "Nott is not going to like it back here..." he says to Beau, though he doubts she hears him over the crashing water. 

Caleb begins running his hands along the rock, feeling as well as looking for the glyphs, the sign of a safe house. He's able to take a step or two back from the wall at the expense of heavier mist but he can get a better look at the wall that way. He feels Beau tap him with her staff to get his attention. When he turns to her she's pointing a bit further past him to a spot on the wall where a diamond with a circle in the center is carved. Looking almost like an eye on it's side. They are in the right place at least. 

He moves on from his section of rock to inspect the symbol, touching the wall around it. They are only about 5 feet across the river, maybe 9 feet along the path in total, with easily another 5 to 7 feet to go before reaching the other side. If there was a hidden door, it would be about-- his hand sinks into the wall up to his wrist and in alarm he yanks it back out with more force then he intended and suddenly Caleb is falling.

Then, just as suddenly, he’s not. He feels Beau's fist wrapped into the front of his shirt and coat, as she slowly pulls him back up to standing. Her eyes are wild and she lets out a breath of relief as she slowly lets go of his clothes, then pats his chest awkwardly. "I told you not to fall man. And what do you go and do?" She has to practically yell for him to hear her. 

Caleb takes a moment to catch his breath and recover from the momentary panic before turning his attention back to the wall. It looked just as solid as it did before. He tentatively reaches his hand back out to where it disappeared before and his fingers sink into the rock, only it doesn't feel like rock. (He's Melded with Stone before and this does not feel like that.) Instead it rather felt... like nothing. "Huh..." He reaches out to Beau with an open hand, indicating he wanted to use her staff. Beau shakes her head vigorously, and makes a face at him. He rolls his eyes before pulling a dagger from his belt (Nott insisted he carry one) and tossed it through the wall. He heard a faint clink as it hit stone on the other side but any echos were to quiet to hear. 

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes before stepping forward into a dark wet cave. His dagger lays 3 feet ahead of him and he looks back from where he came and he sees Beau with a very concerned look on her face as she reaches out to touch the wall. As her fingers come through Caleb reaches out and tugs her in. Not expecting to be pulled in Beau swings her staff around but stops it mere inches from Caleb's skull, he barely flinches as he puts a finger to his lips in a shushing motion and gives her a small smile. "An illusion," he whispers. The sound of the water is hushed in the cave, lowered to a dull rumble, probably by another spell placed on the entrance. 

Taking in his surroundings, he's not surprised to find a small antechamber like room, only about 10 by 10 feet, but oddly shaped. He can see a curve where it probably goes in further, but he does not get paid enough to go exploring caves by himself. This room was mostly empty except for an empty hook on the wall meant for a lantern, and a bent short sword near the tunnel going further in, probably from the last group the Gentleman had sent down here with a shipment.  _Poor bastards._

He bends to get the dagger before headed towards the entrance, "Let's get the others," and he waits as Beau takes a look around before stepping up behind him. They slowly make it back to the rocky bank of the river where Jester had made herself comfortable and started sketching the scene. Fjord approaches them, "Find the entrance?"

"Oh yeah. And it's a doozy." Beau answers before Caleb could. "Seems empty right now but the entrance was kinda small, I think it goes further into the cliff side." 

"Alright. Nott you up for checkin' for traps?" Fjord steps to the center of their gathering to give directions. Caleb knows that if anyone had any better plans, or disagreed with him, Fjord would back down immediately, but for the most part the Nien liked being told what to do, it gave the party a sense of organization. And mostly Caleb liked that Fjord was not a dick about being the de facto leader. 

"Sure," Nott shrilled over the thundering water. "I'll try not to miss any this time." She smiles up at him innocently and Fjord chuckles.

"That's much appreciated. Now, Beau and Yasha first. Then me and Jes, Cad you stay in the back with Caleb. Nott, at the first sign of trouble you fall back." Fjord turns in a small circle checking with everyone for agreement. 

Caleb stands silent with his arms crossed during the meeting but now speaks up, "These eh... turtle things? I do not have enough information but something about the missing child has been rattling around in my head. It almost sounds familiar, but again, I can't place the description with so little to go on. Just.. be aware. Alright?" He checks to make sure they all heard him. Fjord nods to him.

"This should be simple, but don't get cocky. Nott? Lead the way." Fjord indicates for Nott to head towards the water before the rest follow suit. 

They all slowly make their way onto the ledge, Nott first, then Beau to show her the opening, Yasha, Fjord and Jester, then Caduceus in front of Caleb. After a moment of hesitation where Beau had to convince Nott the wall was not going to crush her, and there wasn't a giant pool of water on the other side to swallow her, they were all crammed into the entry chamber waiting for Nott to check for traps after turning herself invisible. 

After about 5 minutes, Nott reappeared just about where she disappeared from. "Alright, so no traps. I think." She smiles at Fjord again as she whispers her report. "The tunnel isn't very long, curves around into a big chamber with a few barrels and crates, some old beds and tables. Smells of death. Water and death. Same thing really.... Anyway, I saw 3 big ass turtle shells just chillin' in the middle of the room, and a pool of water in one of the corners. Not sure how deep it is. Didn't get close enough to see." Nott looks to Fjord, "Are we really killing turtles? I kind of like turtles."

"It's what we're here for." Fjord reminds her. "If Cad wants to give it a go to talk to them, maybe make them leave, fine. But they probably killed that kid, Nott. Cad, switch with Jester so you're closer to talk to them." 

"Oh I'd be happy to try Nott. Unnecessary death is never a good thing. But we should go before they hear us in here." Caduceus whispers back. The others nod in agreement as Nott and Jester move to the back with Caleb as Yasha and Beau advance down the tunnel, not necessarily stealth-ing as they planned to speak with the creatures, but certainly not loud enough to startle them. Caduceus follows closely with Fjord behind him. 

As they all quietly shuffle into the cave, Nott and Caleb staying near the mouth of the tunnel for cover, Yasha and Beau separate a bit for Caduceus to step forward between them. "Eh, excuse me." He calls out gently. The shells shift. "We were sent here to ask you to please leave. You've been endangering some friends of ours. Will you leave peacefully?" 

Caleb can hardly see from this distance but he sees when the shell closest to Caduceus begins to sprout legs and a head. It's a turtle alright. But it has a bowl on it's head, and stands on two feet. "Ask us to leave...?" He hears in reply. He can hear other shells scraping against stone as the others begin to stand. He can see Yasha put a hand on her hilt and take a small step back. Why is this all so familiar? He knows these creatures. 

"Oh, you can speak, lovely." Cad sounds genuinely happy. It's not often he speaks to animals and they speak back. "Yes please, we would like to avoid unnecessary conflict."

"This is our home now. We have water, and food, and entertainment. Why would we leave?" A forth turtle that Nott had not seen steps from behind one of the others and moves forward making a simi-circle of terrifying turtle creatures. 

"Food supply? Entertainment? Oh... I see." Caduceus sounds sad now. "Alright. Well that leaves us with no choice. We will have to make you leave forcefully." As he finishes speaking he points his staff at the creature he was speaking with and curling black energy barrels towards it hitting it right in the chest. 

"Oh, okay, we are doing this." Caleb begins readying components as Nott beside him curses, "I don't have a shot!"

One of the creatures runs at Caduceus and tries to swipe at him but his staff comes up and trips the creature. As it falls, water tumbles out of the bowl on it's head and it rocks back and forth on its shell from the momentum of falling but makes no move to stand, its arms and legs seem to be paralyzed in the position it fell in. Caduceus is confused but isn't about to question it. 

Beau heads towards the one Cad had hit with his spell and swings her staff down, missing by an inch. She comes back with her fists hitting it in the head twice as a spectral lollipop springs into existence and smacks one of the other turtles in the head. Shortly after that a bright flame hits the same creature. Jester yells "take that!" as she moves out of Caleb's way and he releases a bolt of lightning from his diamond hitting a third creature. 

Caleb sees Fjord run to the left and watches as shadows seem to cling to the creature he just hit as Fjord releases three green bolts at the same one. 

Caleb then hears Yasha let out a rage filled yell as she also heads off to the left and attacks the creature he and Fjord had been hitting. It crumples to the ground without resistance and he sees her turn her attention to the next creature. 

Beau lets out an irritated grunt as one of the turtles gets a hit on her. One of the kappa yells out arcane words and Jester's lollipop disappears. "Hey!" Jester yells back. "So not cool you guys! They can use magic."

Nott steps out a few feet to shoot at the one attacking Beau and hit's it twice. It's now bloody, trying to pull the bolts out of it's chest. At the same time Caduceus sends out an arc of light at the prone creature at his feet then moves to the left so he has Yasha as backup.

Beau hits the one in front of her with her staff and it crumples to the ground so she jumps over it's body to get to the next one nearby and pops it twice with her fists. 

Magic using, talking turtles with bowls on their heads that kill kids. Caleb keeps rolling the information in his head over and over. He knows this.  _Come on...._ As Caleb moves forward to get a shot, he sees the one prone on the ground paralyzed and it all clicks into place _."_ Kappa!" He yells. "They're not turtles. They're Fey Kappas! Knock out the water!" and he sends out a blast of lightning to the one on the ground but he was distracted by his conclusion and it hits the ground next to it, harmless. "Scheisse." 

Jester moves further into the cave, "Water? You mean on their heads?" Jester bends down to get some damp from the cave floor and does some hand motions before sending one hand out and lifting it up as if flicking a switch up and the last standing Kappa goes still as a little orb of water floats out of the bowl on its head. 

Shadows surround the prone creature on the ground and Fjord charges in falchion at the ready, hitting it twice. Yasha comes up to it next and slashes through its shell like butter. 

Just as most of them turn their attention to the now paralyzed Kappa standing in the center of the room, Beau and Jester turn towards the corner of the cave where the pool of water is. "Do you hear that?" Jester asks.

"Hear what? I don't hear anything." answers Nott. 

"No no, I hear it too." Fjord turns towards the water, at this point Caleb turns as well readying another spell. 

"Kappas often times follow stronger fey." Caleb tells the group readying a spell. 

As they all watch the water, a glistening humanoid figure emerges from the water, just as clear as the pool it comes out of, but as it steps onto the cave floor it begins to solidify into a beautiful woman with a blue tent to her skin. She has stripes much like a shark down her back wrapping around to her sides with webbing between her fingers, each tipped with a one inch claw. Caleb doesn't want to think about what she could do with that clawed hand if they got into range. She lets out a shriek before moving in to attack Beau with her claws hitting her in the shoulder. Beau lets out a yell, "You bitch!" Before readying herself for an attack of her own. 

Nott moves across the cave entrance, behind Caleb to get a better shot in and fires twice, the first hitting her in the head and she turns to stare right at Nott as she yanks it out, watery ripples fill the hole like it was never there. Nott makes a distressed sound and lets off the second shot, hitting her in the shoulder. "Did you see that!? It's like it didn't even bother her having a bolt in her head!"

"I saw it." Caduceus lets out stream of sickly green magic from his staff into the creature at the same time Beau comes around with her staff and hits it in the opposite shoulder then the one with a bolt in it. As she hits a small flash of black emanates from the strike, followed by a fist to the face. 

Jester's lollipop reappears on the other side of the creature and smacks her in the back as a large ethereal bell appears above it's head and rings causing the creature to cover their ears. Shortly after that a wreath of flames surround the creature and it shrieks again as it's flesh is burned. Within the light the fire gives off, they all watch as shadows cling to the woman and three green blasts sail past her into the cave wall, one singeing the ends of Beaus robes as it passes. "Sorry, sorry!" Fjord yells to her.

Yasha makes her way around to swing at the creature from the other side of Beau, hitting it twice. From where Caleb stands he can see the panic in the creatures eyes, he watches as it focus' on Beau, smiles sweetly and runs her hand down the side of Beau's face. A dazed look comes across Beau before she starts spitting up water and choking. Beau drops her staff and clutches at her throat now spewing water. She can't breath. "Beau's drowning!" Yasha yells for the rest of the group as the flames disappear from the monster he can now identify as some kind of Nereid. 

The Nereid disappears and causes momentary confusion before Caduceus calls out "It's over there!" Caleb's eyes follow Cad's finger pointing and sees the Nereid using her finger to put water into the last remaining kappa's bowl, then stepping away from the fight. 

Nott once again runs past the entrance switching sides and hops up onto a set of barrels to get a good shot of the Kappa which is now starting to move again. She misses them both. "Damnit!"

Cad sends off another bolt of light at her and hits her in the chest. Beau is still gasping for air and spitting up water so Jester moves forward and rubs her back, "spit it out Beau, it's ok." Then she calls over to Cad "I don't have anything for drowning!"

"I do." Caleb moves forward to just behind Jester, and he casts Water Breathing on Beau, who takes a wet breath. "Thanks...." She sounds like she's gurgling water and Jester giggles at her before casting another beam of light at the Nereid screaming "that's for Beau!"

Fjord moves up again and fires off another three rounds of eldridge blast, only one hitting but it's enough. The Nereid lets out another shriek as it bursts into rainbow colored water and melts away into the cave floor. 

Yasha, now relieved to see Beau breathing turns her attention on the last kappa swinging twice but only connecting once. The kappa tries to retaliate in a blind panic but misses everything it tries. Once again Nott sends off another set of shots nailing it in the head with both bolts and it drops heavily to the ground. "Anyone up for turtle soup?" she asks.

There's a moment of silence as they wait for further enemies, the only real sound is the water still making its way out of Beau's throat. "I'll go check the pool for more of those things since I can.. you know." Beau says through gurgles gesturing at her mouth indicating her water breathing before slipping down into the water.

"I'll go with her. She doesn't look so great," Fjord speaks up and heads in after her, falchion still ready.

Caleb and Nott stand at the ready a few feet from the water in case their friends come out being chased while the others look around the cave. After only about a minute they both emerge dripping wet, Beau is no longer spitting out water and Caleb dismisses the water breathing spell. 

"It only goes back like 30 feet. Nothing down there except dead people. Caleb, if you mind?" Beau stands with her arms out a bit to indicate her soaking state and he casts Prestidigitation on them both to help them dry off. 

"Dead people?" he asks. 

"Yeah, probably the Gentleman's people. And maybe the kid too. There was a bit of a collection." Fjord looks a bit sad but moves to start inspecting the crates and barrels for damage. Protecting the Gentleman's cargo means protecting themselves. 

Caleb once again takes stock of the room, other then Beau looking a bit worse for ware, they all seem okay _._  The Kappa really didn’t touch any of them but Beau. Caleb walks a bit further in and finally sees what Cad had seen to initiate the attack. It was the body of a little girl in one of the corners. He couldn't bare to see the state of her body so he turned away. Kappa's were sick disgusting fey, misguided in their ‘humor.’ "I believe we are done here, ja?" He asks as Fjord finishes taking stock of the cargo. 

Fjord glances to the corner where Jester and Caduceus are saying rites for the young girl and helping her become part of the earth. "Yeah, lets go."

 

***

 

They make it back to the inn around noon with an air of gloom over the group. Caduceus and Fjord head to the town hall to report the girl's death as well as the boy that went missing a few weeks before leaving the rest sitting awkwardly at the table drinking. 

"So...." starts Beau. "That was.... interesting.... Thank for the breathing thing Caleb."

"Ja. No problem. Can't have you drowning on dry land. That's the lamest way to die." This had become a thing between them, coming up with the lamest ways to die. So far Caleb's was being crushed by a falling ogre. 

"Oh hush Widogast. Yours is way worse." Caleb gives her a small smile in return at the same time Jester lets out a laugh and starts flipping pages in her journal.

"I drew it you know." Jester flips the journal around to show a big pimply ogre back as it sits on a bloated Caleb head with X's over his eyes. 

"Yes I see that..." He can feel his face turning red but he's still smiling fondly. 

When Fjord and Caduceus come back, Jester does her best to cheer everyone up, even convincing Fjord to dance. This place isn't nearly as busy as some of the other towns they've visited, but there's a nice bard playing some quiet music. Caleb watches them make slow graceful steps as Fjord hums the tune under his breath, one hand on Jester side, the other holding her hand close to his chest. It's a sweet moment and Caleb turns back to the table to give them privacy. They don't have many moments like that anymore. 

Beau has her head down on the table, maybe napping, and Yasha is braiding Beau’s hair while Nott sits on the table and places flowers she had found on the walk back into the new braids. He watches them, finding a deep calm wash over him and he knows Cad is watching him. "Do you ever wish things were different?" He asks.

Caduceus is quiet a moment before answering. "No. I believe things happen the way they happen for a reason. I believe you all stumbled into the Blooming Grove, grieving and weary for a reason. I believe we were on the Mistake for a reason, I think my sister left for a reason, I think Jester and Fjord are just friends for a reason.” He pauses. “Just like I believe your parents died for a reason." 

Caleb breaks his gaze from the girls to look up at Caduceus, staring right back down at him, eyes seemingly peering into his very core. Caleb had broken down about a year ago and told them all about his tragic story when they almost had a run in with Astrid. Since then they had tried to help him work through it, convincing him he isn't at fault. At this point he can almost believe them, finally admitting Trent did have  _some_  to do with what happened, but ultimately he had lit the flame that killed them. Caduceus saying something so blunt was not uncommon for him. He calls things as he sees them. But Caleb wasn't expecting this to come out of the mans mouth. 

"They did not deserve to die." His voice is hard, barely a whisper.

"Perhaps not. But if they had lived, do you think you would be here with us? Do you think you would be doing the things we do? Saving people, hunting things, righting wrongs? Do you even think there would be a Mighty Nien? No." Caduceus turns his chair in a way that he can watch both groups of his friends, the girls at the table and Fjord and Jester whispering to each other as they dance. "I don't think so. You are doing good things. You are protecting these people, keeping them together, even if you do not realize it."

Caleb relaxes a bit, knowing Caduceus doesn’t mean to upset him. "Nien." Caleb gives him a forced smile. "It is you who keeps us together with all you infinite wisdom."

Caduceus smiles back sadly. "You are loved Caleb Widogast. Please do not forget that."

Caleb just stares at him a moment. His chest feels tight. His decision getting harder and harder to make. But he knows he must. "Good evening Herr Clay." He stands abruptly and heads to his room upstairs. He needs to get away from people, its getting to much. Eyes on him making him itch, words grating against his ears. His breathing accelerates as he walks away. 

When he finally gets to his room and closes the door and leans against it and summons Frumpkin into his arms. He starts breathing like Beau had taught him so long ago. In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8. He stands like that for a few moments. Just breathing and petting his cat before finally moving over to the desk and putting Frumpkin down so he can take off his coat and holster to get comfortable.

It had been a good while since he had a panic attack and this one had snuck up on him. Caleb picks Frumpkin back up after shucking his boots and sits cross legged on the bed with the cat in his lap. He breaths for a few more minutes before closing his eyes and focusing on the ring. He knows exactly which memory he wants to see. 

 

 

 

_He opens his eyes and he's standing in the Nestled Nook. He sees the Nien, split between 2 tables, Nott and Jester leaning across the aisle as they meet for the first time. He sees himself across from Nott, much dirtier, much thinner. Did he really look that bad?_

_The door opens but he doesn't notice. He's watching and listening as they banter back and forth when suddenly a purple hand with a flyer smacks down on the table. "_ Well. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a group of people more in need of a good time in my entire life. Mollymauk Tealeaf of the Fletching and Moondrop Traveling Carnival of Curiosities. If there was ever a group of people that needed to have a laugh, see things that you have never seen before, and my god, take my word for it, one month’s time, people will be buying your ale to hear the tale of what you saw at the Traveling Carnival of Curiosities this night."

 _Caleb's gaze is averted from Jester and Nott and pin pointed on the ostentatious purple teifling. His eyes are locked on him, tracing his horns, his tattoos, the lines and colors of his stupid coat (oh how he missed that damn coat), watching his tail as it flicks back and forth. "_ Mollymauk, _" he whispers. It's the first time he's actually spoken the name in over 2 years._

"It’s just five copper. A steal. At five silver, it would be a steal, at five gold? Worth every penny. But if you’ve got the five copper to spend, we would happily have you all." _Molly continues._

 _"_ Do you perform? _" Trills Jester in her over eager way._

 _"_ Ah. I’m less of a performer and more of an intermediary for these parts. I do, on occasion perform. I can read fortunes– _" Molly started but Jester cut him off with a gasp._

 _"_ I was going to ask if you read fortunes! Can you do one now?"

 _Molly gives his stage smile. "_ I knew you were going to ask that." _And Jester gasps again._

"Oh my gosh, you’re so smart. Look at this guy, he knows everything!"

_The two newcomers sit and order ales as the barmaid comes by and Jester and Molly start bantering back in forth. Its a sight and sound Caleb never thought he'd be able to witness again and he just kneels on the floor next to Mollymauk and loses himself in the sound of their voices._

"Do you know my name? _" Jester was asking._

"What is your name?" _Molly countered and Caleb smiles._

 _"_ Jester _."_

"Well I know your name now!" _Both tieflings start laughing together. "_ Oh, and my name is Molly to my friends, and we’re friends, now, aren’t we? Pleasure. Now. Would anyone like a fortune read?"

"I would love one." _Jester says, eagerly handing over two copper._

_Caleb watches as molly pockets the coin and pulls out a small set of cards that Caleb has all but memorized now, and begins to shuffle them, eyeing Jester. It's easy now to see Molly's tells, the tap in his foot, the rhythm of his tail, and know that he's faking this reading, giving Jester what she wants to hear._

"He’s really quite good, you all should line up and get your fortunes told." _Yasha grinds out in an intimidating monotone. She really has gotten better with people if that's what she used to sound like._

"Your first card, _" Molly draws a card with a flourish. "_ the Silver Dragon. This is good. You’re pure, you’re virtuous, you are a worthwhile and wonderful person, obviously, or creature of some repute."

 _"_ That’s what everyone always tells me. _" Jester nods along with Molly._

"It must be true. And next? The Anvil." _Molly makes a face that looks impressed as Yasha makes an "oooh." sound._

"What is that?"  _Jester leans forward in her seat. Caleb cant tell if she's actually buying this or just enjoying it._

 _"_ That is a destiny forged. There is something bright and adventurous in your future." _Molly says. Caleb tilts his head for a moment. Adventure? No, no way... He tunes back in to the reading._

"Wow! You know, we did just defeat a really big snake? So maybe there’s even bigger things coming up, you know?" _Jester really was making this to easy for the circus man. From his position on the floor he can see Molly flipping through the deck, and the next card he pulls is the Serpent._ "Of course you did."  _Molly gives that award winning smile again and Jester gives another gasp._

"Oh my gosh! Look at that! How did you even do that?"

 _"_ That’s all the cards. I’m simply a vessel for higher powers." _Molly gives a little half bow, impressive on it's own since he's seated._

 _"_ Will you ask the cards if I’m going to find him? _" Jester speaks up again._

 _"_ If you’re going to find him? Give me a little bit more. Who’s this 'him’ that you’re looking for?" _Molly does well to hide any apprehension, and keeps smiling._

"I’m looking for my dad." _Caleb had forgot she'd asked this._

 _The purple hand pulls one last card and flips it around. It's the Eye card. "_ You’ve already found the clue you’re looking for. You just don’t know what it is yet." _Molly nods reassuringly to her._

 _"_ Really _?" The look in Jester's face tells him enough to know she believes him at least a little._

"Apparently. Well, it’s what the cards are saying. It’s right in front of you." _Molly tries to sound like he's giving sage advice, but Caleb knows that's Caduceus' forte._

 

 

 

As the memory fades Caleb finds himself thinking about Molly's reading. He had very obviously been picking the cards, the Serpent was a dumb move, making it to obvious. But the rest? Even while fixing the hand, Molly had spoken truth. There was a big adventure in her future, it was still happening even. And a clue in front of her to help her find her dad? Was it not the Mighty Nien's travels that revealed his identity? Led her literally to his doorstep? Caleb ponders how even when faking a reading, the reading can speak such truths. 

Then Caleb's thoughts stray from the cards, to the wielder himself. Seeing Molly's face after so long had been like a punch to the gut, pulling up feelings he hadn't experienced in a while. They all thought about Molly, it was obvious in their actions, in their tattoos , their weapons and paintings. But no one really talked about him anymore, instead choosing to remember him in their own private ways. But to  _see_  him, living, breathing, smiling. Caleb felt tears on his cheeks and for the first time since the man died, he cried for Mollymauk Tealeaf. A couple drip down into Frumpkins fur and the cat bristles and sits up, putting paws on Caleb's chest and licks some of the tears away. "Why does it hurt so much Frumpkin? It's been so long, I thought we had all moved on, but now that I think about it, we never did. Did we?" He pets his cat lovingly. "I miss him."

After a moment of petting Frumpkin to calm himself he decides he wants to see more of Molly. He chooses his fondest memory of the man.

 

 

 

_Caleb opens his eyes and it's dark, so dark and smells like blood and wet dog. This is not a pleasant memory by far, but it's his first good memory of Mollymauk, so he can endure the painful nature of it. He sees himself a few feet away squinting into the dark and stepping between Molly and Nott, stumbling down a few steps as his hand blackens and a Fire Bolt is released at the shithead priest._

_He can see that old anger in his eyes. The Fire Bolt slams into the priest’s head, and he falls back on the ground, screaming. As he watches, the head bursts into flames and burns away and the body falls to its knees. Both Calebs can see the darkened expression of a black skull in the fire as it falls._

_Current Caleb looks away and watches his past self go into a catatonic state, a wave of memories flooding them._ _He’s ashamed of the way this used to effect him. He was weak. He still is in other ways. H_ _e_ _then_ _turns his attention to the room, and he watches_ _Shakäste_ _get the final kill on that blaste_ _d manticore. The room is fuzzy, blurred by the fact that he wasn't completely present when this was all happening. He's honestly impressed his brain processed any of this at all. He watches as Shakäste disappears i_ _n a puff of fog that he’_ _s shocked_ _he remembered and watches his friends go about in a frenzy._

 _Molly makes his way over to the still burning priest and snuffs out the flames then stands in front of Caleb and gives him a good slap. The past Caleb blinks and looks up and meets Molly's eyes, probably for the first time since they had met._ "Back in the game! Time for that later. You all right?"

 _"_ Yeah _..." He replies in a daze._

 _"_ Alright _." Molly gives him a big kiss on the forehead and then walks away leaving Caleb stunned._

_The rest of the party is tearing apart the nest looking to stuff to sell or use, but the past Caleb slumps to the ground and just stares at the burnt corpse. Current Caleb comes up and sits next to himself, watching the rest go about snooping, and beheading a manticore. It takes a while but he knows Molly comes back over to him so he waits._

_He hears Fjord now,_ "time to light the TNT, let’s go."

"Caleb, come on." _Molly's voice is calm, like he's talking to a wounded animal as he approaches with Beau._

 _"_ Hey, you all right? _" Beau on the other hand sounded like a scolding sister._

 _"_ Yeah _." He lies to them both._

"There’s time for that later," _Molly repeats as he and Beau pull him up to standing. "_ Come on. Let’s go get some sunlight." _Current Caleb watches as the three limp their way out of the cave and he sees Molly lean into his ear. He can't hear what he says from where he still stands, but he remembers. it._ "You did good."

  


 

 

Caleb comes out of it slowly, reluctant to let the memory fade. "You did good too. You always did good Mollymauk." He begins shifting on the bed to laying down with Frumpkin on his chest. It's only about 3pm now, and he's doomed himself to an evening locked in this room. He can't face Caduceus' all knowing eyes right now. He knows just how to spend the time. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> Einverstanden  
> Agreed
> 
> Here's the monster pages I used, all I did was boost thier health to make the combat last a bit longer.  
> Kappa: https://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/Kappa_(5e_Creature)  
> Higher Nereid (I made this one): https://www.dndbeyond.com/homebrew/monsters?filter-type=0&filter-type=8&filter-search=higher&filter-cr-min=&filter-cr-max=&filter-armor-class-min=&filter-armor-class-max=&filter-average-hp-min=&filter-average-hp-max=&filter-is-legendary=&filter-has-lair=&filter-author=&filter-author-previous=&filter-author-symbol=&filter-rating=-7


	6. As the Mollymawk Flies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb starts remembering an old friend, making a realization about our favorite purple disaster. Caduceus comes to Caleb to apologize for being so blunt before. (LOOOTS of memories with Molly)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this chapter is pretty much JUST memories. Most are directly from transcripts, but I did actually write a few myself that I'm very fond of. This chapter shows Caleb's mindset for what's going on. 
> 
> Chapter title is spelled like the BIRD not his name on purpose. :)
> 
> One more chapter guys! And a short epilogue. So excited for you all to see the end of this roller coaster!
> 
> Translations at the end!

Caleb finds himself jumping from memory to memory of the Nien for the next few hours. Most of them with Mollymauk. He finds himself wondering how he ever thought he was over Molly's death. He watches hours of fights. He watches hours of conversations. But some that stood out to him were moments where Molly's crazy shone through. 

 

 

 

_Caleb blinks and it takes a moment for his eyes to adjust to the ally he's standing in. He's surrounded by himself, Nott, Fjord.... and Molly._ "Yeah. And if we’re going in, what do we do? We could have one of us be ill perhaps?"  _He hears himself ask the group. He remembers this and smiles. The hospital._

"Yeah. Or just ill on the front doorstep and keep them occupied."  _Fjord answers shrugging. "_ Or I could, you know, kick the shit out of Nott in the face, and then be like--"  _Fjord throws up his arms and makes a fake screaming sound._

_Not shift nervously,_ "I mean, we’ve got Mollymauk with us. Why don’t you just do the same thing to him?"  _She gestures wildly up the the taller form of Molly._

_Fjord pauses a moment, a small smile appears as he reiterates,_ "I could kick the shit out of Nott in the face, and then like–"

"I don’t appreciate this. At all. I feel like I’m being singled out because I’m a woman."  _Nott shrills_

_Caleb interrupts before this can go further,_ "a better idea, perhaps, is for one of– You’re able to disguise yourself, right?"  _He asks Mollymauk and the tiefling makes a 'so-so' movement with his hand and moves his head back and forth._ "There’s three of us then,"  _he turns back to the group,_ "that can disguise ourselves. I can make myself look like like a sick person--"

_Fjord interrupts,_ "he’s a physician. He might try to, you know, check. And I think, up to touch, it falls apart."

"It’s standard carny practice to be able to fake boils and stuff with a disguise kit, to leper up a bit? Take about an hour to do it right."  _Suggests Molly._ "You can just drag me in. I can make a scene."  _He smirks like he's living for this._

"Yep. I like it. Then you two try to get into the office somehow?"  _he points towards Caleb and Nott._ "We’ll cause a ruckus, see what you can find."

_Caleb nods slowly looking to Nott._ "Yeah. Ruckus, you and I just walk right in. These two are going to create such a fuss."

"How long do you need to make your face all lepered up? An hour you said?"  _Fjord asks for clarification._

"Who said I was going to do my face?"  _Molly tilts his head with another trademark smirk._

 

_The rest start sputtering talking over each other._

"Couldn’t you maybe act like–"

"Look like you’re just– Cough and stuff?"

"Could you be a sick tiefling?"

 

_Molly laughs._ "Oh, I’m going to do all that, too. We don’t want them to look at it too closely. I’ve got a plan."  _He winks._

_They get quiet a moment to contemplate the plan._ "Oh, I’ve got it, I’ve got it."  _Nott exclaims._ "Faster, what if Caleb burns all of your clothing and you go in as a burn victim?"

_Molly blanches looking almost offended at the notion._ "You’re not going to touch my cloths."

_Caleb looks uncomfortable with the suggestion._ "That’s not... we’re not doing that...."

"No, we’re not setting fire to my clothing. I’m going to mess up my junk something fierce."

_What occured after that can only be described as true chaos. Absolute, unadulterated chaos as they troped around town ordering breakfast at an ungodly hour, ruining a perfectly good waterskin, seeing Molly's junk one more time than necessary, and an outrageous failure at infiltration that essentially changed nothing about their mission and ended only in a good story. And it was perfect. Caleb wouldn't change a thing about it because it was so them, it was a defining moment to set the tone for their band of misfits and it was glorious._

 

 

 

 

Caleb comes out of the memory smiling and shaking his head. "We were a mess ja?" He pet's Frumpkins head. He watches countless times Molly put himself in front of Caleb. The two squishiest members sticking together. He doesn't understand why the man would do that. Caleb was not worth risking his own life, yet he did nearly every day. "He was a puzzle I never got to figure out Frumpkin." He closes his eyes again.

 

 

 

 

"There is no before."  _Molly is saying with conviction, meeting each of their eyes. This is the night he told them who he wasn't. "_ Whatever happened before is not me. It’s not part of anything– Some asshole got buried in the dirt. Fuck him. I am enjoying what I’m doing; I want nothing to do with that. Anything that came before, I'm happy to just leave it be."  _Caleb had so many questions in his head, he can remember as he watches this this all unfold._

_"_ So... _" Caleb can see Nott turning this over in her head._ "Everything before two years ago is nothing to you. Blank?"  _She asks him._

"That’s somebody else."  _He answers, like it's all so simple._ "Do you have memories from your childhood?"  _He asks the group._

"Yeah, many."  _Caleb answers._

"Sure. _" Fjord adds._

_"_ It felt like that. It’s all bright and more meaningful than it should be. There was just nothing. I was practically catatonic; I was barely speaking."  _He leans into Yasha for comfort and she adjusts her arm to fit around him._

"Are you a good guy?"  _Caleb asks cautiously._

"I’d like to think so."  _He waits a moment before continuing._ "I don’t know who that tobaxi was. I’ve never heard the name Lucien before, or that other name. I’ve never heard of any of it. Who cares about what happened before?"

_"_ Okay _." Beau starts again._ "So this happens to you and... what?"

"Few months after I came to, I started noticing I could do things, knew things that I didn’t necessarily know I knew. I can– can I see that dagger?"  _Nott hands over a dagger from her belt and before anyone can stop him Molly slices open his palm and sticks the dagger into the bedpost as ice begins to coat the blade. Molly looks around the room a moment, searching for something before scooting closer to the same bedpost with a jagged edge and slides his wrist over it, slicing himself open again and it begins to glow as brightly as his scimitars._ "I’ll admit, this is new..."  _He points to the wood._

"Yeah... that’s a hell of a thing...."  _Fjord sounds deep in thought staring at the wood._

"That’s amazing."  _Nott shills as she watches the ice sparkle and wood_   _glow. "_ But go back two beats. You said, 'Who cares about what happened before?' Do you really not want to know your past?"

_He shakes his head._ "I really don’t. Whoever that was came to that end, and I want nothing to do with that. Whatever it was, it doesn’t feel good when I– the moment when something creeps through, I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I was happy! I liked the circus! The circus was great!"

_"_ Molly _..?" Fjord calls to him._

_Molly looks at him, "_ Mm-hmm yeah? _"_

"In the years that have gone by has anyone called you any other names besides Molly, Lucien or Nonagon? Did they come up and give you a name?" _Fjord asks like he's not sure he wants to know the answer._

"Not without me feeding it to them first. I mean, I’ve conned  people. We’ve all conned people. I’ve used other names before. This was the first time that’s happened. A lot of this was in the hopes that maybe it would never happen, keep moving, keep quiet." 

"What if you had a good life before this? What if you were famous or rich or had friends or family?"  _Asks Nott._

"Okay, here’s the thing that you’re not catching."  _Molly sounds like he's getting frustrated. "_ That wasn’t me."  _He gestures next to him at empty air._ "This is me."  _He gestures to his chest. "_ I don’t want anything from that other person anymore. That person is someone else. I don’t want anything to do with it. I did not feel good coming out of that. It was–"  _he cuts himself off and mutters to himself,_ "-I’m in for a penny, might as well..."  _He speaks out loud again,_ "I’m told, although I don’t entirely remember this part, that I only said the word 'empty' over and over again for the first week. I don’t want to remember anything. I don’t want anybody else’s baggage in my head and I don’t want anybody else’s problems, thoughts, ideas. I like this person, right now is a good person. Is a fine person. Is a happy person."

_"_ Well _," Caleb starts._ "I will say, I am a little concerned about, you know, loose ends coming to bite you, and us in the butt. However I believe in second starts and that’s enough for me."

"Can you imagine what it would feel like to not feel anything about anything that had happened to you so far?"  _Molly asks the group._

_"_ No _." Fjord Caleb and Nott all answered sullenly at the same time._

_"_ Yes _." says Beau a beat late._

_"_ Why am I not surprised?"  _Molly says with a small smile to Beau._ "It’s very freeing. It’s the best thing that happened to me. Well...."  _he thinks a moment._ "It’s not the best thing that happened to me, it’s  **the**  thing that happened to me. I found peace in building a new person."

"You know just because you know about your past doesn’t mean you have to be beholden to it."  _Beau says slowly._

"What if it feels that I owe it something? _" Molly has that wild animal look in his eye again as Caleb watches him watch Beau._

"You don’t owe your past shit. If I don’t feel anything about my past, but I still remember it and I still don’t give a fuck about where I came from then, why should you care about shit that you don’t even remember?"  _She insists._

"I spent two years before I met you all cajoling people, occasionally ripping them off, occasionally doing a good turn here or there. Never trust the truth. The truth is vicious."  _And so is Molly's voice as he speaks._ "The truth thinks you owe it something. None of that. I like my bullshit. It’s good. It’s happy. It makes other people happy."

_"_ But it’s not who you are."  _Nott pitches in._

_Molly turns on her,_ "it is exactly who I am."  _His eyes pierce her with determination._

"If you always lie and bullshit, how are we ever going to believe you?"  _Nott asks, narrowing her eyes._

"I may be a liar but I’m never a betrayer. I’m honest in my work, and I believe in doing a good turn. I’ve never cheated you out of money. I’ve never robbed from you. I stayed with that circus for two years, I know how people treat each other. It’s important. I don’t care what terrible things any of you have done. You’re here now. This is how it works."

_Jester, pouting speaks up, “_ Molly _?”_

"Yes, darling."  _He answers with a shaky smile._

“Can you really read fortunes..?"  _She won't meet his eyes._

_Molly looks her over, face softening before he speaks._ "I use fortunes to tell people what I see in them. But sometimes, sometimes, I feel like maybe there’s something that tickles the back of my head, I will admit. People are looking for a path. And I’ll tell you– and this is true– I did my best every town I went to and every town I left, no matter how they treated me– and a lot of them treated me with deep disrespect. I left every town better than I found it."  _Caleb hears Beau scoff at the idea._ "Anything else before we’re done here?"  _He once again meets everyone's eyes before continuing._

"In conclusion, let me make this abundantly clear. My name is Molly. That person is dead and not me. It’s just a person who had this body. They abandoned it, it’s mine now."

_"_ Perhaps _" Caleb interrupts, "_ we have learned all we need to learn from this conversation. Maybe it is time to turn in. We have some things to do tomorrow. I am satisfied, Mollymauk Tealeaf. For now."  _Caleb makes sure to meet Molly's eyes. He didn't realize it then, but he knows now how important it was to Molly that Caleb called him by his chosen name, reaffirming that he was right there, he was valid._

_"_ This was not how I expected this to go. Thank you Caleb."  _He relents before the memory fades._

 

 

 

Caleb is left with impression of those deep ruby red eyes piercing into him as he acknowledged that Molly was real. Caleb regrets not being able to persuit the Tomb Takers, get more information for Molly even after the man had passed. It was on his list of things to do, but thier quests always led away from that avenue. Besides, Jester and Yasha insisted that Molly would rather them not know any of his past, and remember him as he was. It took a while to get Caleb's mind to unfocus from that task, but eventually he relented and knew they were right. Molly lived in the moment, never looking back. If only Caleb could do the same. He wouldn't be torturing himself with this pointless nonsense, this pain. He would be done by now if he could just live in the now and stop looking back. 

He makes a frustrated sound before going back to the ring, craving more of Molly's antics. 

 

 

 

_Caleb opens his eyes to the outskirts of Humperdook._

"Schmidt, one second."  _He sees himself gesture the thin air and the visual is enough to almost make him laugh at himself._ "You two, circus people. Mollymauk."  _He waves over Yasha and Molly._ "Could the two of you do something fabulous over there?"

"Make a distraction?"  _Yasha asks in her quiet voice. Caleb nods._ "Yeah, I could have you stand on my shoulders."  _Yasha answers looking to Molly who is slowly letting a grin light up his face._

"We could do that thing."  _Molly wiggles his eyes at Yasha._ "Do you remember the vaulty thing? Let’s do the vaulting thing."  _He nods as if a decision has been made. "_ All right, you’re going to do the... _" he mimes her making a step with her hands,_ "the thing over,"  _he mimes spinning in air,_ "the vault up."

"Okay. The razzle dazzle?"  _Yasha asks Molly hunching over with her hands in a step near the fence._

_"_ Yeah, the ol' razzle dazzle! _" Molly exclaims excitedly as he steps up an into her hand and she hoists him up and he gracefully flies up to the top of the fence where his foot slips and lands with a resounding 'oof' and a flinch from Caleb and Fjord on his groin. But he grins and shakily pushes into a handstand where he balances for a moment. He does a small flip to where he's standing and draws the scimitars and begins to spin them as he walks along the fence._

_Current Caleb is momentarily distracted by the sight of a bucket sliding across the ground on the other side of the fence but he knows how that escapade ends. He's not interested in that at all, only the show happening in front of him._

"Bravo. Bravo!"  _he hears Beau cheering as she keeps a lookout._

“Hey! Hey! What are you doing!? Get down from there! Get– go on, get, get, get!”  _He hears yelling from the other side of the fence and a stout dwarf with a short beard comes over to the edge of the fence._

"I’m going to jump onto your shoulders now,"  _Molly whispers down to Yasha before doing a ridiculous backflip that dazzles even Caleb, including the past Caleb who had been distracted by the bucket on the ground. Yasha starts walking away from the magic espionage and Molly begins to... Molly._

_"_ Sorry, you had a great fence, and we’re working on an act!"  _He grins at the dwarf and continues the juggling of his swords above Yasha's head. She really trusts him..._

_The dwarf looks utterly confused, “_ you 'know, lad, you don’t have permission. Show me your–”  _At which point Cleff, looking nervously, steps forward and goes, “_ Hello there. Cleff Tinkertop, we’re all right. They’re with me.”  _The dwarf comes to a slow jog, to a stop, and goes,_ “Cleff, what the fuck are you doing down here?”  _The dwarf rushes up to the edge and peers through and says,_ “So, strange arrivals you got here, Cleff, and a couple of loonies diving off the outside of our very well-protected fence, but sure. Cleff, what’s your business with these assholes?” 

_Cleff replies_ “We’re making our way to try and make right some mistakes I’ve made, certainly, hopefully.” 

_The dwarf glances through with a bit of a tightened gaze and goes,_ “All right. Well, just keep them off my fence.”

"A lovely fence it is!"  _Molly hollers as he sheaths the scimitars and uses Yasha's hands to do a handstand before flipping back down to the ground landing with a_ "Ta da"  _and a pose that says he was very pleased with himself._

 

 

 

Caleb comes to actually laughing quietly to himself. Always a show to be had when Molly had free reign. He laughs for a moment longer and imagines the kind of shenanigans Molly would've gotten up to out at sea. Pranking Fjord and himself, helping Nott sneak around Avantika. Maybe even assisting in that debacle with Nott and Jester on the Squall Eater that nearly got them all killed. He would've loved the open air. The sea rocking them to sleep each night. Caleb sighs as the smile fades from his face. There's so much they've done that Molly would've loved. He was so new to the world and enjoyed learning and seeing new things. 

The sun is getting lower outside his window and he continues to seek more memories. 

  
  


  
  


 

_When he opens his eyes this time he's in the forest and he sees himself on watch with Nott but he can already see Nott reacting to the possibility of an ambush._ "Crossbow attack! Crossbow attack! Wake up everyone! I’ll take them out single-handed!"  _Past Caleb is already shaking the others awake, shushing them. He hesitates a moment before also waking Yasha. When everyone is awake he leads them to where he left Nott and he watches as the group fans out and tries to make a flanking move, but not knowing where the enemy is makes it difficult. Also Fjord and Molly lumbering across the field in their half sleeping state is not helping their stealthy move. Two figures jump up from the side of the cart, and both take crossbow shots at Nott one hitting and one missing before ducking back down behind the cart._

"Caleb, light 'em up!"  _Fjord hollers, wide awake now. Past Caleb hears Fjord's command and he sends up dancing lights as Jester Invokes Duplicity and sends the double out next to Molly. Fjord Beau and Yasha swing wide on the sides to flank the wagon in the road._

_Nott gets 3 more bolts to the chest and as one starts aiming at Molly he stops,_ “Wait. Oh God! Stop, stop, stop! Stop your fighting!”  _Caleb sees the other dark figures look in the direction of the voice._

"Quickly, declare yourselves."  _Fjord yells to the men as he comes up with the falchion at the ready._

_The guy who yelled out puts his hands up and says,_ “We are so sorry! We are so sorry! We didn’t know it was you folks! Our most sincere apologies.”  _The other men are confused asking him in hushed tones,_ “What the fuck are you talking about?”  _He replies,_ “You don’t understand. These are the ones that– that ashed Trevor!”  _The bandits put up their hands and drop their crossbows._ “Oh shit. We’re so sorry!”  _The looks of horror on their faces are gold to Caleb as he watches their past selves mess with these guys._

"How’s new management working out? _" Molly visibly relaxes, standing and resting his scimitars across his shoulders smiling at the men as he calls out to them._

_He watches as past Caleb relaxes, letting go of the spell he had been holding just in case._ “We didn’t mean nothing. We’re so sorry.”  _The bandit leader begs._

_Nott lets off one last bolt at the guy who had shot her earlier._ "It doesn’t feel good, does it?"  _Nott yells at him as he groans at the impact._

"Now, now,"  _Molly steps forward putting his swords away, ever the diplomat. "_ Is that apology accepted at this point?"  _He looks to his friends._ "We did receive an apology. This sort of behavior should be rewarded."  _Molly croons._

“Thank you. Thank you!”  _the bandits start in a chorus._

_Jester steps up next to molly,_ "you know the drill. Take off your pants and walk away."  _says Jester, but she's giggling to much and it's not very intimidating and they all just stare at her a moment. The leader pulls his mask down._ “Take the cart. Take it. That’s yours. We’ll just– Whatever’s in it, it’s all yours.”

_Caleb hesitates before approaching closer._ "Back away from that cart, please."  _The bandits all shuffle to the side away from the cart._

"Is that your cart, or did it belong to someone before you?"  _Fjord asks approaching now as Caleb moves towards the cart._

“It belonged to someone. They’re alive. We didn’t kill them, but we took their stuff and we sent them on their way.”  _the bandit answers sheepishly._

"Are you bullshitting us?"  _Caleb stops walking near the opening of the cart and crosses his arms._

“No!”

"Are you bullshitting me now?"  _He asks again narrowing his eyes, voice growing darker._

“No!”

_Caleb ducks into the cart and a moment later his head pops back out._ "How’s this working out for you?"  _he asks._

“Obviously not very well right now.”  _the man answers quietly._ “Look, this is embarrassing enough as it is. It’s hard enough to make ends meet. We’re doing what we need to to survive. We’re happy to give you this. We’ll walk away, and pretend this never happened.”

_Molly watches them from his place between Jester and Fjord._ "I feel bad, I’ve got to admit..."  _He hesitates._ "No, I have to deal with this... _" Molly walks back to their cart and pulls out a leather armor set they had got from an orc a few days ago and hands it to the leader. Current Caleb watches him do this and smiles. 'Leaving the world better then he found it' alright._

_The man stands there holding the armor._ “What? I don’t understand...."  _He looks at Molly with eyes that says he thinks it's a trick._

"You’re going to get shot at again. It’s breaking my heart. _" Molly replies taking his place again next to the others._

"You really can’t find a safer line of work?"  _Fjord asks. He looks completely exhausted by the nights events, dismissing the falchion._

"Yeah, head to the cities. Work on a dock. Learn from your mistakes. What the fuck are you doing? _" Caleb points out as he moves closer to his friends._

"What are you doing with your lives? _" Fjord reiterates._

_The men all look at each other defeated._ "Thank you,"  _says the leader to Molly as he tucks the pieces of armor away._

_Molly smiles at him. "_ Thank you for recognizing and for being gracious about our previous deal. I appreciate someone who stands up and holds to their word. That’s really nice, and that should be rewarded in this world."

"I'd like to point out, three strikes and you’re out. This is two."  _Caleb steps forward menacingly. The leader pales as he nods._

_Jester pipes up next to Molly,_ "They said they wouldn’t be bandits anymore, but they are bandits."

"Well, I wasn’t really holding them to that one."  _He says to her._

_Caleb nods_ "That’s fine. The next time, we are going to turn you into grease puddles, so maybe find yourselves a job in a store, or a dock, or a restaurant, even."

"Yeah, don’t go working for criminals! That’s stupid!"  _Jester yells while trying not to laugh at the irony._

"I think they’re freelance, Jester. They work for themselves."  _Fjord whispers to Jester._

_Caleb walks up to one of them, and takes his transmuter stone out of his pocket and place it against the man's forehead, and mutters a few words under his breath in Zemnian. "_ And now I know where you are at all times, and I will know if you are still doing this kind of work, and I will come and I will kill you."  _He makes brief eye contact in a bid to intimidate the man who nods quickly. Current Caleb can see sweat on the man's brow, and can’t help but notice the darkening spot in his nether regions._ “Of course, no worries, sir, I promise, no worries. We’ll go and we’ll slop pigs. We’ll do what it takes, anything but this. Right, boys?”  _The rest nod in agreement as they turn and run away into the tall grass._

"Respect management."  _Molly calls to them._

"Only steal from grumpy people!"  _Jester yells after them too._

"So true."  _Molly turns to her putting an arm around her shoulders._

_As they all leave, Beau peeks her head out of the grass and whispers,_ "Guys.... I knocked one unconscious... and uh... I don’t know what to do with him now. I could’ve let him go, but I didn’t want to say anything in front of everybody because I started feeling bad once you guys felt bad."

"Do I have to heal him now?"  _asks jester pouting moving towards Beau. She sits for a moment staring at the guy before taking his mask, and his pants; handing his pants to Jester._

 "I got pants!"  _she exclaims happily as she shoves them into her bag._ "Bandit pants!"  _Nott adds from next to her._

_The guy on the ground starts to move his head and groans, coming to consciousness from the voices around him. "_ Oh no!"  _Beau elbows him again._ "Oh, fuck! Sorry, it was a reflex!"  _She leans over him and stage whispers even though the guy is out cold again._

"Lay him in the grass and lets get some rest."  _Fjord suggests. "_ He gets a fresh start in the morning. It’ll be fine."  _Beau lays him out gently and stands looking at the guy contemplatively. She then turns him on his side so he doesn't choke on his own drool._

"That went well."  _Molly says coming over to join the group._

"Hey, Jester. What if we take him and we pose him for when someone finds him? _" Beau asks with a devious smile._

"The good news is, we’re in the middle of the wilderness and no one is going to find him."  _Past Caleb deadpans._

"I was trying to be jovial, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tried that."  _Beau frowns down at the bandit between her feet._

"What if we put some flowers in his hair, so when he wakes up, he looks really pretty? _" Jester suggests happily as she kneels and starts braiding his hair._

_"_ I'll get the flowers!"  _Nott says jumping up and down before disappearing into the grass._

_"_ There’s nothing better than waking up in the morning with no pants and flowers in your hair."  _Molly says with the conviction of a man who knows from experience. Current Caleb chuckles as he watches their antics. After a few minutes Nott returns with a few daisy's and Jester has finished braiding the hair. He watches Molly add a few drops of lavender oil._

 

 

 

 

Once again he comes out of it laughing softly. He sees the sun has set outside the window and realizes he has effectively wasted the day. One last memory for the night. He takes a deep breath and focus' on the light purple of Molly's skin, the smells of Humperdook the night they got smashed in the Hour of Honor. Sometime before he made the mistake of dancing with Jester. 

 

 

 

_He sees himself through the crowd sitting in a corner staring intently at his own tankard, probably with water in it at this point, he can't recall. As current Caleb moves closer he sees Molly saunter up to the table, not quite tripping over himself, but definitely lacking in his usual grace._ "Mr. Caleb dear, what's wrong? You're staring at that cup like it just kicked Frumpkin."  _Molly plops into the seat in front of past Caleb and splays across the table with his arms reaching to Caleb's hands on his cup, and past Caleb doesn't pull away for once. Current Caleb kneels next to the table so he can see them both but his eyes are plastered on Molly._

"Hmm?"  _Past Caleb looks up, his head lolling a bit at the movement. His eyes take a moment to focus. "You're pre-purple."_

_Molly laughs a genuine laugh pulling back to his side of the table a bit, away from the wizards hands._ "Yes I am. And you're sloshed Mr. Caleb."

"So I am. Aren't you?"  _Caleb asks Molly as he sips some of the water, yeah, probably water. Current Caleb hopes it's water._

"On my way, dear."  _Molly takes the cup from him and smells it before giving it back. "_ Good boy,"  _he says smiling. Yeah, definitely water._ "Hey Caleb, I've got an idea, and you might just be drunk enough to agree."

"Oh this sounds like a terrible idea... What is it Mollymauk?"  _Caleb asks raising his eyebrow and eyeing the tiefling. Both current Caleb and past Molly pretend not to notice how the drunk Caleb's eyes linger a bit on the open buttons on Molly's shirt before meeting his eyes._

"Let me read your fortune."  _Molly produces his cards from that ridiculous coat and starts shuffling._ "Just this once?"  _Molly pulls the pleading cat eyes on him, and current Caleb sees Molly's tail wrap around past Caleb's ankle under the table. Were they flirting? How much had he drank that night?_

_Past Caleb eyes the cards with momentary trepidation then looks into the hopeful eyes of his friend. Friend? Where they friends at this point? Yes, current Caleb decides. His past self may not have realized it but yes, they were. "_ Alright."  _He answers after a few beats of hesitation._ "But not because I'm drunk."  _And indeed past Caleb sounds much more sober then he did 15 seconds ago._ "I'm agreeing so you'll stop asking me."  _He takes another sip to hide his smile._

"Good enough for me!"  _Molly closes his eyes and redoubles his efforts of shuffling before opening them again and looking directly into Caleb's eyes. He pulls his first card without looking and current Caleb is surprised to see it wasn't sleight of hand. Molly frowns as he places it on the table between them._ "The Emperor upside down...."  _Molly makes a quick glance up to Caleb before looking back down at the card, tapping his finger on it's corner as he explains the meaning._ "You've experienced an abuse of power. Either you are guilty of it, or someone is guilty of doing it to you. Perhaps you should reevaluate your relationship with power of authority."  _Past Caleb's face is surprisingly relaxed, he gives Molly a slight nod to continue when he looks back up at him._

_Molly gives a sad smile before pulling the next card, once again current Caleb watches as he pulls it straight from the top of the deck. He looks for Molly's usual tells, his tail swishing or his boot tapping. He sees none of it and frowns as he listens to the next explanation._ "Wheel of fortune means you should open yourself up to help from others."  _Molly smiles up at Caleb again._ "Factors you can't control are influencing your current situation, but opportunities abound if you would just let them."  _Past Caleb takes another sip without making any indication that this is meaning anything to him but current Caleb remembers his alcohol addled mind jumping to conclusions and running in circles. He needed the Nien's help. He knew that even early on._

_Molly pulls the last card, also from the top of the deck and places it down, a look of worry on his face. It occurs to current Caleb that Molly did this reading without deception. These are the cards he pulled honestly. And that makes this last card so much more painful._ "The.... To-Tower."  _Molly fumbles with the name._ "Um..."  _he's frowning when he looks up to meet past Caleb's eyes again._ "It means... Um, it means upheaval. Destruction. Chaos. Something big is coming. Something that will throw you for a loop."  _He manages a fake smile as he continues, both Caleb's can tell it's fake._ "But you'll be stronger when you come out the other side. Wiser even, more resilient."  _He goes silent for a moment looking at the cards._ "Can I pull one more? Please?"  _Caleb its taken aback at the pleading in Molly's voice. This is no longer a light-hearted moment._

_Past Caleb eyes the Tower card._ "Yes, please,"  _he gestures his hand to tell him to continue._

_Molly flips one last card, he covers the Tower card with it. The face of Death stares up at them both and past Caleb's eyebrows shoot up and look at Molly for an explanation._ "It's not as ominous as it looks. It's better then the Tower actually."  _Molly's voice is reigned in now, no longer excited but contemplative._ "Change is coming Mr. Caleb."  _He looks up and his eyes bore into past Caleb's soul. Current Caleb remember this moment. He felt something in the air that night._ "It's time to let go."  _And just like that Molly blinks and the moment is over._

_Molly smiles his stage smile,_ "but you don't believe in the cards, so ignore my crazy, yeah?"  _He gathers the cards, his smile nearly faltering but past Caleb doesn't notice, he's to deep in his own thoughts. Current Caleb stands as Molly does, coming nearly face to face with the man as Molly watches the Caleb in the past spacing out._

_"I'm sorry I wasn't fast enough" He says to the man, knowing he can't hear him. "Or strong enough to save you Molly. If my plans work out, maybe you'll live. You might be off with the circus somewhere, loving a life I cut short. Or maybe you'll be with these weirdos," he glances around and sees Nott and Jester dancing in circles laughing loudly, Fjord blushing as he orders more drinks from the flirtatious barmaid, and Beau leaning against Yasha drunk flirting. He looks back to Molly. "but hopefully alive." This all happens in a 5 second span of time before Molly turns from Caleb's table and makes his way to the bar and orders 3 more shots before the memory fades._

 

 

 

 

He didn't fake that reading. He was pulling honest cards. He foretold his friends kidnapping, his own death. Caleb blinks back more tears,  _the fool!_  If he had any idea how bad it was going to be, why didn't he stop them from leaving? Caleb stands, leaving Frumpkin on the bed and begins to pace the floor. That was an honest reading. Caleb remembered when Molly had told them, under a zone of truth, that sometimes he felt something when he did readings. He got bits and pieces of actual fortunes. Caleb stops dead in his tracks. 

 

_He knew._

 

Mollymauk knew he was going to die, but he left Humperdook anyway. Caleb makes another sound of frustration and runs his hands through his hair. "Gott verdammt, du Dummkopf!!" Caleb starts muttering angrily to himself as he paces pulling at his hair. "Warum hast du nichts gesagt? Warum habe ich es nicht gemerkt? Wenn ich es früher bemerkt hätte, wären Sie immer noch hier. Du würdest leben und gesund sein. Sie verdienen es, hier zu sein, nicht ich. Ich hätte dich aufhalten können. Dieser Quatsch gestoppt."

He stops when there's a knock on the door. He drops his hands and takes a deep breath before crossing over to open it. Caduceus is standing there leaning on his staff. "Hi Caleb." He speaks gently, sadness in his eyes.

"Hallo Her Clay. Do you need something?"

Caduceus looks him up and down, and Caleb realizes to late that he hadn't smoothed out his hair, or wiped his face of tears before opening the door.  _Stupid stupid stupid._ He refrains from doing so now. Cad has already seen his state, and fixing it now would only make it worse. "I wanted to apologize. I know I can be blunt sometimes."

Caleb looks at Caduceus, really looks at him. If Molly hadn't died, would they have gone to the Blooming Grove? Probably, they needed all the help they could get that day, but there's no way to know for sure. "I am fine. Thank you." His voice falls flat even to his own ears and he winces inwardly.

Caduceus stares at him for another moment. "I heard you talking. I don't speak Zemnian, but it didn't sound happy. Do you want some company?" He lifts his ever present tea kettle into view as an offer. Caleb looks at it, some of Caduceus mint tea does sound good right now.

"Eh no, I am not good company right now, I'm sure you can see." He looks to the floor.

"That's okay Caleb. I'm not asking for me. I'm asking for you. Sometimes you just need someone to share the burden of silence with. Or in this case, the burden of dark thoughts. My offer stands." He taps the bottom of the kettle with his staff to start it warming up like he's done a million times, but this time it's different. This time it feels a little like home and before he can stop himself he's moving out of the doorway for Caduceus to step into the room.

Caleb retakes his seat on his bed, Frumpkin curling back up in his lap. Caduceus takes the seat at the desk near the window and starts making some tea. Caleb takes a breath and closes his eyes, listening to his friend taking up the silence in the room. Maybe this could be okay for a little while longer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Transations for 6:
> 
> Gott verdammt, du Dummkopf!  
> God damn you, you fool!
> 
>  
> 
> Warum hast du nichts gesagt? Warum habe ich es nicht gemerkt? Wenn ich es früher bemerkt hätte, wären Sie immer noch hier. Du würdest leben und gesund sein. Sie verdienen es, hier zu sein, nicht ich. Ich hätte dich aufhalten können. Dieser Quatsch gestoppt.  
> Why didn't you say something? Why didn't I realize? If I had noticed sooner you'd still be here. You'd be alive and well. You deserve to be here, not me. I could've stopped you. Stopped this nonsense.


	7. It's Time to Atone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After returning to Zedash, Caleb picks up some last minute components, and begins the ritual to fix his mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowie guys. This is it. This is the one. Caleb gon' do some dumb. 
> 
> There's only 1 small post coming up, a very short epilogue. Depending on how you all react to this will determine how long til I post the epilogue. I can't wait to see ya'll's reactions to this chapter!!! I know at least one part I made myself cry while writing.
> 
> Not sure what tags to add for this one. It's got a bloody ritual and Caleb's standard self hatred. Any suggestions let me know so I can add them. 
> 
> Translations at the end.

The next few days pass in a blur. They got up the next morning and ate breakfast while Fjord and Yasha got the wagon and horses. They were on the road by 9am, and camped at the same place they had on their way to Aravost that night. Caduceus and Fjord took first watch, followed by Nott and Jester. A bad decision really, as they all woke up with dicks drawn on their faces. 

After some arduous scrubbing, they continued on their path back to Zadash. Caleb found himself at peace again, with little interest in his memories so he sat in the front with Caduceus. Before they had left the edge of the small forest Cad started pointing out the minute differences in the different trees. The sounds they make when the wind ruffles them. The smell of their leaves, both on the branches as well as the ground as they decompose. "Oaks have a very regal and distinctively melancholy smell to them. And that's in direct opposition to the youthful energy of the birch trees. And then the maple trees of course have the sweet undertones, but mostly smell of--" Caduceus went on about this for nearly an hour, Caleb listening fascinated, though not knowing what application the knowledge might have, even for the firbolg. 

He talked about trying to make a visit home soon, to see his mother who had returned to the grove last year after they were able to cure at least part of the forest of it's ailment. He talked about a new idea for tea he had, and couldn't wait to experiment when they got back to Zedash. 

At some point Jester scooted up behind them in the wagon to listen, she had her sketchbook open on the seat between them as she made rough sketches of leaves and tombstones as Caduceus talked. The conversation turned to Jester telling them about the last message she got from her mother the other day, saying how she was planning to take some time off to come north soon, to visit her Sapphire in the big city. Jester briefly mentioned how she wanted her mom to meet their boss. Caleb and Caduceus shared a glance but said nothing. 

Ahead of them Fjord and Beau yelled back and forth as they rode their horses. It sounded like they were arguing about which taverns they'd stayed in had the best ale. Beau insisted it was Humperdook. Fjord said it was the Lavish Chateau in Nicadranes. They had been carrying on most of the time Jester and Caduceus had been talking to him. In the back Yasha was on the third horse with Nott in the saddle with her. Yasha had a new book open in front of her and was showing Nott some of the newer flowers she'd found on her last few escapades. 

Caleb took another breath of the fresh air and closed his eyes. This is what he had needed. One good mission, one last goodbye. Some of the tension that had coiled like lead in his stomach lessened as he listened to his friends around him. He wouldn't miss them, he realized. Not exactly. He wouldn't get a chance to know them, let alone miss them. But at least it would all be set right. He opened his eyes and smiled. It would all be over soon. 

 

*****

 

Caleb takes a day to discreetly gather materials after they reported to the Gentleman, which included a side trip to steal an athame from the Temple of Ioun posing as a monk from the Cobalt Soul. He needed something from the same era as the ring, and in Zadash? This was the closest he was going to get. He also needed things to represent the elements so he collected a vial of holy water and some grave dirt at one shop, and then had to ask Fjord for the Bottle of Air they had found a few months ago, under the guise of experimenting with it again. Fire would not be an issue.

 

*****

 

_It'll all be over soon._

 

The night comes and he's finally about to atone for his sins. His body hums with anxiety.  _What if it fails? What if I makes a mistake? What if my research is wrong?_  His hands are tingly, he can't help but tap his foot, and he has lead in his stomach. 

He asks Nott to enjoy another girls night, and Jester wastes no time whisking her off with talks of pillow fights. Yasha follows shortly after to be a mature adult in the room to make sure they don't break to much furniture in the room. Beau stays downstairs for a bit longer with the guys. She pulls out Molly's cards and for once Caleb doesn't run from them. He watches Beau shuffling them absentmindedly with a book open in front of him. Fjord and Caduceus are quietly discussing their next move. Jester had asked (pleaded) for another vacation and they needed to decide if it was the right time to take time off. 

"Hey Cay?" His attention is pulled back to Beau.

"Yes Beau?" He watches her hands still on the cards, one finger worrying the edges. 

"Um. Pick one?" She slowly holds the deck out towards him fanning them out. Caleb stares at the deck blankly for a moment. 

"I don't... I don't understand. You want me to pick a card? I thought you didn't believe the deck worked anymore." He stares at her face now, questioning her.

"Well... I don't know man." Her hand lowers a bit disappointed. "I just... I thought maybe you could pull a card. I don't know why I asked. You're right, it was stupid." She starts pulling the cards back and he reaches out putting his hand gently on her wrist to stop her. Their eyes meet for a moment before he moves his hand to select a card. 

They both hesitate before he turns it over. The World card. "What does that one mean?" He asks her. 

She scoffs, "no freaking clue man.... I haven't looked at these things on purpose, let alone study them.... I kindo hoped you'd know with all that weird knowledge in your brain." She takes the card and puts it back into the deck before standing. Caleb watches her with a confused expression and she smiles at him before she heads towards the stairs, "your face'll get stuck if you leave it that way," she says over her shoulders as she climbs the steps. 

He turns back to the table to see both Fjord and Caduceus watching him with amused expressions on their faces. "Oh hush." He says quietly before turning back to a book he had on the table. He wasn't really reading it. But it was an excuse not to engage in the conversation as the other men discussed the plans for the week. He let himself get lost in the gentle drawl of Fjord, (it was fake and they all knew it but it's what he was comfortable with,) and the deep vibrations of Caduceus as they spoke. He almost didn't notice Fjord tipping back his last tankard and calling his name as he stood. "Caleb. You okay tonight?" Fjord stands at the table, swaying just slightly as he waits for Caleb's answer.

 

_It'll all be over soon._

 

"Yes Fjord. I'm okay. You should call it a night though." He gives him a small smile and Fjord returns it with a little salute as he turns to head to bed. 

Caleb and Caduceus sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before the firbolg breaks it. "Tonight's the night then?"

Caleb stills, placing a finger on his page as if to hold his place and glances up without lifting his head very much. "I'm not sure I know what you mean." He looks back into his book but he's still not reading. His heart is pounding and he can feel his pulse in his ears and his fingers.  _Caduceus might try to stop him. He can't let that happen._

"You don't have to lie to me Caleb."  _What_? Caleb looks up at Caduceus now, curiously. "I know this is a long term goal and I wont judge you for achieving it. I just hope you've thought about the possible consequences." Caduceus finishes his tea, slowly wipes the cup out and puts it away. He settles again with his hands folded on the table and his eyes on Caleb. "I may not remember you, but I know that if I did, I'd miss you." He leaves that in the air for a moment before he gets up to leave and as he passes he puts his big warm hand of Caleb's shoulder. "I hope you find what your heart desires, friend." And just like that Caduceus slips away and Caleb is alone. Truly alone for the first time in 3 years. 

 

_It'll all be over soon._

 

He's not on his way to meet his friends in the safety of Zadash. He's not digging his way through a cave in to get to them. He's not fighting through monsters to save them. He's not undercover to help them. Tonight, he leaves them behind.  _But it's for the best you selfish fool._

Caleb sits for a while longer in the main hall of the Leaky Tap, Wessek wiping the bar clean, and polishing cups. A regular sits passed out over one of the tables by the door, drooling onto his arm. Caleb turns the ring around and around his finger. He thinks through the last few days. He hopes Nott knows he loves her. And Fjord knows how much he respects him. He hopes Caduceus knows how much he values his input. Jester always made him smile, in her own way. Beau and Yasha are such fierce protectors and he envies them a little.  _I know I'm bad at people, but I hope they know I care._

 

_It'll all be over soon._

 

At approximately 20 minutes 'til midnight, Caleb stands, almost in an undead like state, and goes to his room. In his room he has Schmidt go up to the roof and tie a rope around the chimney stack as he gathers his book and components, leaving the rest of his things on the bed. He leaves his coat draped over the chair. He wouldn't be needing it. 

After double checking that he had grabbed everything he needed he grips the rope and begins to pull himself onto the roof of the Leaky Tap so he could have some privacy. He starts preparations by drawing the arcane circle and symbols he's found in the book about the ring. Luckily the roof is mostly flat, with just the chimney stack on one end and a vent to the washroom on the other end. 

After that he places the Bottle of Air on one of the four corners, the holy water on another, and the grave dirt on the third. The last space he leaves empty for now, that will be fire. In the center where he will be sitting he places the brass bowl he uses to summon Frumpkin. As he places it down he stares at it for a moment before snapping his fingers and summoning Frumpkin to his shoulders. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 

 

_It'll all be over soon._

 

He finishes the preparations and then seats himself in the center in front of the bowl rolling up his sleeves. He reaches up and pulls Frumpkin down to his lap. "It's been a wild ride mein Freund... Not all of it pleasant and I am sorry." He scratches behind Frumpkins ears as he talks. "You have always been loyal. And brave. Truly the  **best** cat." He lifts the cat up to look him in the face. "I'm not sure how this will affect you, but if things go as planned you'll be free. Choose another young wizard in need of a friend. Guide them as you have guided me. Or tried to." He smiles and lowers Frumpkin back to his lap. "Choose someone better than me." Frumpkin makes a kitty-chirp in protest. "Hush friend. It'll all be over soon.... Thank you. For everything..." He pets his cat for a few more minutes before he snaps him away. He wipes away some tears that have escaped and takes another breath. 

He then untwines the wire from his wrist and points in the direction of the girls room. By now they should all be drunk and in different states of sleepy, especially Nott. 

 _"Nott, liebling, I hope you are enjoying your night. I just wanted to say I love you. You are my best friend and I love you. You are so brave, and so loving and I just wanted to tell you that."_ He stops a moment before adding,  _"Youcanreplytothismessage."_  

He smiles to himself as he waits for her reply. 

" _Caleb? I love you too._ " Her words slur in a mix of drink and sleep. " _Are you,_ " she hiccups,  _"okay?"_

 _"I am fine. I just wanted to tell you. Goodnight liebe Schwester, sleep well."_ He receives no reply and he twists the wire back on his wrist.

 

_It'll all be over soon._

 

Caleb takes another breath before removing his bandages and sliding the ring off his finger and depositing it into the bowl with a soft  _clink._ "Please let this work...." Working the circle, starting behind him, he opens the vile of Holy water, "From the depths of the ocean, hear my plea," and tilts it out onto the ruin he drew and it glows. He moves to the grave dirt, "from the depths of the earth, hear my plea," he tips it out onto the ruin and it too, glows.  _It's working_ , he thinks before hushing his own thoughts. "From the winds of the world, hear my plea," he uncorks the Bottle of Air and the ruin lights up. Finally he turns to the last ruin, "from the fires of life," he hesitates.  _This is happening_.... "hear my plea." He conjures a small flame and the last ruin lights up. 

He lets out a breath he hadn't know he was holding.  _It'll all be over soon._ He picks up the athame slowly, and places it against his palm and stops.  _Do it! Why are you hesitating? This is everything you wanted. It's almost over. All the guilt, all the pain, all the hatred, you miserable creature just do it!_

He sees red dripping into the bowl.  _drip drip drip_ He aims it to drip on the ring, and he watches as the blood seeps into the artifact, seemingly disappearing. "From the blood of my soul, hear my plea." He keeps bleeding, and the ring drinks hungrily and doesn't seem to slow down. Caleb frowns and brings the athame to his wrist squeezing his eyes closed.  _Just get it over with you coward._

He grits his teeth as the steel bites into the old scars at his wrist. He watches as a thick, steady stream of crimson the thickness of his pencils pour into the bowl, and yet the ring still drinks hungrily. " _Old magic... always dangerous...."_ Trents voice echoes in his head. "Shut up!" He slices another cut into his wrist next to the first to widen the flow. The ring he can see is starting to glow, but it's not bright enough. He closes his eyes and breaths.

 

_It'll all be over soon._

 

He makes a third cut but his hands are shaking now, his head light and he drops the atham and it skitters a few feet away. He can see his vision starting to get blurry. He's so tired. Maybe he should lay down and try tomorrow...  _NO! This is your only chance._ He opens his eyes forcefully and focuses on the ring. The glowing is growing stronger as he grows weaker. "Turn... back the wheels... of time.... Hear my... plea..."

 

His vision goes black. 

 

He hears voices. Far off and fuzzy. He can only make out a few words in the white noise.

 

"...term goal..."                               "...made a mistake..."                               "...traitor..."

                                 "...guilt..."                                  "...better..."                                                 "...Nein! halt!..."

          "...slavers took..."               "...avenge him..."                                     "...liebling..."         

                                "...learn a lesson..."                     "...proud of you..."                                     "...Caaaa-leb..."                       

 "...Ich habe Angst..."                        "...running, it's bad..."                      "...my son..."                              "...Hilf mir..."   

                                    "...smart boy..."                                                               "...punishment..."

 

"...your fault..."  _Your fault._   _ **Your fault.**_ _ **It's all my fault.**_  

 

 

Suddenly his vision explodes into color. Browns, blacks and grays of night and tavern move past him, slowly. Then the pinks and oranges of a sun set. Green of trees and he can make out the faces of his friends. He sees the waterfall, and the Nereid, he sees Nott's face smiling by firelight. He sees Zadash. The Gentleman. The museum. He sees Beau's face scrunched up in disgust. But soon the images are moving so fast he can barely distinguish them. He sees job after job, road after road. He sees Molly's grave when they visited. He recognizes flashes of the monsters and people they've fought over the last 3 years. He sees the ocean, he sees Orly, Yussa, Marius. He sees the Plank King. He wills the memories to move faster. The colors are flying by. Greens of forests, Grey of stone, black of caves, a fogginess he knows is sadness then suddenly flashes of purple. 

He wills the memories to slow down, though it's still going in reverse. This is the night before he died. Before Caleb had lie down Molly approached and sat beside him, their hips pressed together on the log they were using around the fire. Even though the memory is in reverse and he can't hear his voice he remembers the words. "We'll get them back, and we will show these bastards not to mess with the Mighty Nien, yeah?" Molly had put his arm around Caleb in a half hug. "We'll put this family back together, mark my words." But they hadn't. They couldn't put it together again because a piece was missing. An obnoxiously loud, flashy, purple piece had been stolen from them. 

Caleb can feel tears on his face but he has to keep moving. He wills the memories to go faster again. He sees more forest and caves, then even more forests with Nott's face, scared and malnourished. Then he sees lots and lots of grey. Stone walls that suffocated him for a decade. Then suddenly, a burst of orange in his vision and he slows the rewind but refuses to look just yet. 

When he does finally open his eyes, he sets the memories to move forward instead of backward. He sees Astrid standing over her parents as they choke on their own blood and vomit. "eine nach unten," she says as she turns away from them and leads the way out of the house. 

He wills things forward and he sees Eodwulf standing with a bloody knife at the door to his parents room. "Es ist fertig. Lass uns gehen."

He closes his eyes again and wills the memories just a bit further and he opens them to see him and his friends on his porch with his parents. His mother, her red hair and round face had a wide smile and a few tears as she hugged Astrid and Caleb. To the side Eodwulf shook hands with Caleb's father. When Una pulled back she kept one hand each on Astrid and Caleb's shoulders as she spoke to the three of them, "Wir sind so stolz auf dich. Alles von Dir. Zeigen Sie dem Imperium, dass wir kleinen Menschen Großes leisten können." The Caleb watching makes a choking sound as he bites down on his knuckle. He felt more tears coming now. "Geh nicht in Mama. Geh nicht ins Bett Vertraue ihnen nicht, den kleinen Dämonen," he mumbles around his fingers as he tried to hold back a sob. He has to move on a little closer. 

And when he opens his eyes again he sees the three of them working in tandem to push a cart full of hay and grain in front of the door to his childhood home. He feels his heart beat, slowed in the physical realm from his blood loss, now speeding up. He feels his face go numb, his fingers tingle. He can feel his pulse behind his eyes and he's starting to breath fast.  _In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8,_  he repeats.  _You have to concentrate. This is all that you have worked for. Breath damnit._

He forces himself to watch as the three students retreat to the field across from his home. He's still behind them a considerable distance so he moves through the field until he's only 10 feet behind the Empires best. He watches as young Caleb stares at the house for a moment, and after Astrid's encouragement he sees the magic begin welling up in Young Caleb's hand. As he watches the fire bolt grow, he grows his own. His hand heating quickly with the years of experience. He can barely breath now, losing the counted rhythm almost as soon as he started it. One well aimed firebolt, and younger Caleb dies, preventing years of terrible mistakes, sins, guilt, and so much death. 

 

 

 _You have to do this you miserable piece of trash. FIX IT!_ He lets loose a guttural scream as he raises his hand, swirling in flames. 

 

 

******

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the details on The Ring of Memories: https://www.dndbeyond.com/magic-items/395849-ring-of-memories
> 
> Ich habe Angst  
> I'm scared
> 
> Hilf mir  
> Help me
> 
> Nein! halt!  
> No stop!
> 
> eine nach unten  
> One down.
> 
> es ist fertig. Lass uns gehen  
> It's done. Lets go
> 
> Wir sind so stolz auf dich. Alles von Dir. Zeigen Sie dem Imperium, dass wir kleinen Menschen Großes leisten können.  
> We are so proud of you. All of you. Show the Empire that us little people can do great things. 
> 
> Geh nicht in Mama. Geh nicht ins Bett Vertraue ihnen nicht, den kleinen Dämonen.  
> Don't go inside mama. Don't go to bed. Don't trust them, the little demons.


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mr. Caleb, don't move alright? Where are the others? I'll go get help just tell me where they are."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, Thank you for sticking with me. I know this had a few rough points (ch6 I'm looking at you), but I am so glad some of you have stuck around for this ending. I feel like this ending was pretty obvious but I NEED to know what you all think! Did you see this coming????

 

Caleb comes out of the spell violently, being thrown back against the chimney stack with a sickening crack, the wind getting knocked out of him in a huff and his vision goes black and he sinks down, lying on his back. His breathing is labored, he has a searing pain in his shoulder and he can feel his shirt soaked through.  _Why am I wet_...? He thinks dully, but the thought is gone as soon as it comes. His brain is foggy and it's hard to hold a thought. He hears himself groan in pain as he tries to blink away the blackness. 

"Ca... leb?" He hears a soft voice, lightly accented, confusion laced throughout it. He hears quick, light footsteps on the roof near him. His vision is coming back slowly as he feels warm soft hands on his forehead and shoulder. He lets out a strangled scream as one of the hands press on his shoulder and it  _hurts_.  At the moment he still sees a lot of black, a little red around the edges and the stone of the chimney stack beginning to focus, looming above him but he sees movement and he tries to turn towards it but it just hurts so much and he lies back groaning again. 

He reaches up to touch the back of his head with the arm that isn't killing him and it comes away slicked with blood. His mind slowly starts supplying details. 

 

 _His hand heating with the magic of a fire bolt. Raising his hand. Screaming. A flash of Astrid's purple scarf._ He couldn't do it. 

 

"mein Gott.... I...."

 

_A deep voice that wasn't entirely human.... "All right, I see what you’re doing. One for one." A pause, “An example it is.”_

 

"Mr. Caleb, don't move alright? Where are the others? I'll go get help just tell me where they are." The voice he thought was a hallucination won't go away and he blinks again, finally managing to turn his head and he sees the tattoo of a red eye in green scales covered in blood on his shoulder.  _His_ blood. He follows the snake up, to where it disappears into a loose shirt with rolled up sleeves. He follows where he knows it continues up to meet the body of a peacock, and from there he follows still to the face with two glowing red eyes, staring down at him with concern and confusion. 

"M-molly....?" His head drops back as his vision swims and goes black again. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE COMMENT! You can also find me on Tumblr as TearfulSolace. I'm also on the widomauk discord as TearfulSolace#2228
> 
> Update:  
> Someone asked for an explanation. It's meant to be a bit vague because Caleb took a bump to the head when he got spit out from the spell so he's not sure on details. 
> 
> BASICALLY, Caleb spent the last week watching memories of his family, his old friends, and ultimately his new family. His mind had been set on saving his parents for almost a decade at this point, so he never even considered he had any other options. 
> 
> UNTIL he kept seeing Molly. Remembering how bright the man was. How happy he made their group. How he died protecting them. How he died far to young, before his time. 
> 
> That combined with Cad reminding him to "think about the consequences," had him kind of shaken. During the week you'll notice Caleb mentioning how his decision was getting harder to make. Because he was realizing how much he loved these people. How much he cared. How easy it would be to just stay, and leave the past alone.
> 
> So in the end, he was about to kill young Caleb, a difficult decision to begin with. (Basically suicide.) Then the wind caught Astrid's scarf and all Caleb could see was purple. He decided to go forward in time to the fight where Molly died in. 'A deep voice that wasn't entirely human.... "All right, I see what you’re doing. One for one." A pause, “An example it is.”' That's Lorenzo's last words before killing Molly. It is to show that Caleb had heard that during the spell. 
> 
> Now I won't explain how it all went down, or how the world is changed because of it because I MIGHT write a part 2 sometime in the future. But I just wanted to explain a few things.


End file.
